unhappy middle aged couple

My husband has no libido at all. He ls 63 and takes blood pressure meds and a staten called Repatha which I’ve read may case decreased libido. Can my marriage make it? We’ve been married 35 years, but this is very difficult. We do hug and he puts his leg over mine but no more. l am 62. Does this mean I can never have sex again? He can still get hard, but he has an enlarged prostate. so when he has an orgasm, he has to urinate all night long—l mean like every 10 minutes as orgasm irritates his prostate. l’d like sex once in awhile to keep me happy. Or am l being selfish?? He says it’s not me, that he just has no urge to have sex. But, hello, he can still have erections and could do other things to please me. But if he has no desire, l don’t want him to do what he has no interest in doing. Can hugging and him putting his leg over mine when sitting on the couch be enough to make this marriage work?? Or do you think he is being selfish? l am not in the mood much either. l just want to feel that l’m loved. BTW: l know he is not cheating as he’s always home. Please help.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    You are NOT being selfish to want regular lovemaking with your husband. Without an explicit agreement to have a sexless marriage, wedlock implies a sexual relationship. That said, desire differences are the #1 sexual complain in longterm relationships, and in the most extreme cases, one spouse doesn’t want sex at all. So you’re by no means alone, but that probably doesn’t change the distress you feel.

    First, I suggest that you jointly visit the doctor who prescribed your husband’s Repatha. I looked it up and did not find libido loss on the list of side effects, but it does cause “fatigue” and “low energy,” which could easily translate to loss of libido. It’s possible some other drug could be substituted that doesn’t cause fatigue.

    Then I suggest you jointly visit your husband’s urologist about his prostate situation. Prostate medications or surgery can help.

    Beyond that, you might gain some insights and ideas by reading the chapter, “How Sex Therapists Recommend Resolving Desire Differences” in my new book, Sizzling Sex for Life. But I should warn you, that chapter deals with couples who both have at least a little desire, but want very different sexual frequencies. Cases where one spouse has zero desire are less amenable to self-help, and often require assistance from sex therapists.

    If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-250/hour, though some therapists charge more and many discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read the chapter on sex therapy in Sizzling Sex, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. If your husband won’t accompany you, I urge you to go by yourself. That’s suboptimal, of course, but the therapist may still be able to offer helpful suggestions.

    I wish you sizzling sex for life.

  • JeremyZ says:

    I have exactly the same problem but in reverse. My wife’s libido has dropped to nearly zero because of a combination of antidepressants, blood pressure medication, and to some degree menopause. But she confesses that she still masturbates so she must fantasize about something and has some sexual energy. But she won’t have sex with me “because she doesn’t want to disappoint me.” I’m still trying to figure that one out, but she might think that I expect vigorous vaginal intercourse and/or a rapid and intense sexual session. But the truth is, I’m older now and less able to do that. From what I read, it’s completely normal to move away from vaginal intercourse, and even take the focus off of having an orgasm as a sexual goal at this age. It was a relief to find this out, and a strategy I hope we can incorporate into some kind of rekindled sex life. In your case, your husband might think these sexual difficulties he’s having (loss of easy erections, not always coming to orgasm, fatigue or whatever from the medications, and BPH) mean the end of sexual relations with you because he can’t “perform.” And HE would disappoint YOU, as well as be rather embarrassed about it. I agree with Michael’s advice about seeing his doctors and adjusting or changing his medications which are certainly responsible for most of this. But along with that, take this opportunity to adjust your sex life together. Remove the focus on orgasm and rock-hard erections. There are many other things you two can do sexually, mutual masturbation, dildos, fantasizing together, etc.. It’s my guess that he does still masturbate (or tries to) and may even be going into more intense kinky fantasies to do so. You could get him to reveal those fantasies and maybe you two can act them out, as a sexual enhancement. You may have to reveal some of your own, too. Keep in mind that you don’t have to act out everything that you two fantasize about. But hey, why not? You’ve been good all your lives, and he’s still being “proper” with his sexual behavior by avoiding it altogether because he’s not performing at his peak–or what he thinks you want as an ideal peak performance. The point is, life is too short to be too nice all your life and avoid sexual pleasures because they’re a little kinky. But these are normal human desires, and marriage is the place to trust your partner with these fantasies and enjoy what you can do together. And think about it: are you putting pressure on him to have strong erections on demand and perform vaginal intercourse? If that’s the case then he IS afraid of disappointing you and for good reason. You should maybe tone that down and be open to milder or alternative sexual activity, and show more vulerability yourself. Like you, I know that any sexual activity with your partner is better than none at all. And recognize that he must be thinking that too. You may have reservations about exploring your kinky sides, but many people find it so strongly arousing that it opens a new era in their sex lives.

Leave a Response

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.