My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We met on lesbian tinder and when we first got together, the sex was frequent and great. 5 months in, her mum died and understandably, this affected it and it hasn’t been the same since. She has struggled with her libido to the point where we haven’t had sex for well over a year and a half (maybe even longer!). It doesn’t even seem to be on her radar at this point. At first, I would try and initiate, but I was rejected almost every time, so eventually I gave up and that’s when it stopped completely. She has problems with her mental health, and is on anti-depressants so I feel this probably affects it too! But I really need some advice on how to try and get it back, when it’s not even on the table remotely, it’s hard to try and make it happen! Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!


  • Michael Castleman says:

    First, I suggest you and she try a self-help resource. In my opinion, the best book is A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex by psychologist Laurie B. Mintz, Ph.D. In one study, women with long-standing low or no libido read it and worked through the program it suggests. Compared with similar women on a wait list, those who read the book were significantly more likely to return to regular lovemaking.

    If Mintz’s book doesn’t help, or if your gf won’t try the program it outlines, then I suggest you consult a sex therapist, ideally together, but if she won’t go, then by yourself. If it’s the latter, the therapist may still be able to suggest good coping strategies for you, or ways to bring your gf into therapy.

    If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, the therapist does NOT have sex with you and does NOT watch you have sex. Sex therapy is a form of talk-based psychotherapy with “homework.” It usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-250/hour, though some therapists charge more and many discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. The movie is hetero, but I’m confident you can relate to it. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you regular and satisfying sex.

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