woman in morning in window on belly

I just have a question in regards to your article in Psychology Today
speaking of vaginal looseness and tightening. I have an issue with vaginal
looseness. It feels like a giant open cavity when my partner is inside of me
and it’s hard for me to feel him. He is well endowed. I struggle with
kegels a lot as I can’t find the time to do them once a day let alone as
many times as you said to in your article. When I am alone and using a toy I
have no issues with feeling it. I guess I am relaxed and I am not having any
performance anxiety. My partner is not into foreplay. It really is a turn
off for me. But again I try to get into when I am on top but it sparks my
anxiety and ability to feel him and I feel very loose and not grounded. We
have done the position that you suggested with myself legs closed with him on
top – it definitely helps but I feel he isn’t able to go deep enough. The
other position that works is me laying on my front with legs closed. But I
really want to do more positions. I can’t access my clitoris in either and
so it’s less enjoyable for me. We really are not intimate and a times I
feel our touch is awkward because we don’t touch enough. Or even build the
intimacy before intercourse. If all it takes is me strengthening my pelvic
floor than I will do it! But please help guide me here! Feel very lost!
I’ve never had children so I can’t relate to why I am so loose feeling
and I am 42 but I’ve had this issue since my 30s.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    Thanks for reading my work in Psychology Today. I’m surprised to hear you can’t find time for Kegel exercises. They can be done any old time: when driving a car, riding a bus, on the phone, at the computer, watching TV…. I suggest you commit to doing them during specific activities every day. After a few months, that might help.

    Such a shame that your partner is not into foreplay. It’s absolutely key to satisfying lovemaking for women of all ages, and for men, too, as they pass around 40. Would he read a book that touts foreplay? If do, I suggest my recent one, Sizzling Sex for Life. If he got on board with extended whole-body massage before intercourse, it might help both of you, even if you continue to experience looseness.

    If another go-round of self-help doesn’t provide sufficient relief than I’d suggest consulting a sexual medicine specialist or a sex therapist. To find a sexual medicine specialist near you, visit the Sexual Medicine Society of North America. To find a sex therapist, visit To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    I wish you sizzling sex for life!

Leave a Response

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.