unhappy couple having conflict in bed at home

I wonder if you could help me or lead me to someone who can. My husband and I have been married 36 years and have a loving, very good relationship and can talk openly about sex, for the most part.

But when I try and discuss this specific thing, he shuts down. So I don’t bring it up anymore.

I can bring him to an erection by doing fellatio, (which I thoroughly enjoy) but then when he enters me he cannot maintain it. So he then pulls out and reenters me with my legs tight together. Sometimes he can come inside me but most times he comes outside between my legs.

Obviously, the disadvantage is I don’t get the full impact of the previous erection. I say to him, how can you get so hard with my mouth but the moment you enter me you become soft. There must be something wrong with me inside. He says no, it’s his problem, not me. What do you think? Could it be me? Have you heard of this before?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    There is NOTHING wrong with you. This situation is quite common.

    Here’s what’s going on: As men age, it takes more intense and varied stimulation to get them hard, and once they’re erect, any decrease in the intensity of stimulation can cause rapid wilting. The mouth stimulates the penis more intensely than the vagina. Fellatio is more varied, too. Women can be much more creative with their mouth lips than their vaginal lips. The mouth also contains the tongue, which provides great stimulation. And during fellatio, you can also use your hands on him. Compared with all that, the vagina by itself provides less intense, less varied stimulation, not enough for many older men, including your husband, to maintain their erections.

    Now some people attach great symbolism to vaginal intercourse, that it’s the real deal, while oral is comparatively second rate. If men can’t maintain erections in the vagina, some lovers see that as a failure that raises questions about the love in the relationship, or as in your case, the woman’s self-esteem. Please try to let go of any such symbolism. Unless you’re trying to conceive, there’s nothing inherently “better” about vaginal intercourse than any other type of lovemaking.

    The issue is a simple matter of stimulation intensity and variety. He gets more from your mouth than from your vagina. That’s fine. Many many older couples are in exactly the same situation. If you want to provide more stimulation when he’s in your vagina, just modify what you’re already doing. As soon as he enters you, clamp your legs shut. That may help. If not, then please accept that he needs oral to get hard and stay erect. Many older men do.

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