Should we tell each other everything about the sex we had before we got together? Seems like it could have good, but also bad consequences.
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Should we tell each other everything about the sex we had before we got together? Seems like it could have good, but also bad consequences.
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© 2009 - 2024 Michael Castleman
You answered your own question. Sharing the intimate details of previous relationships can, indeed, have both good and bad consequences. All you can do is weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself. Most people disclose edited versions of their previous lives, both in and out of bed.
Some say they want “total honesty” in their relationship. In my humble opinion, that’s naive. We’re not even totally honest with ourselves, let alone with anyone else. And total honesty means no surprise parties and possibly hurtful replies to such questions as, “Does this outfit make me look fat?”
All you can do is weigh the pros and cons and decide for yourself what you choose to disclose.
We’ve told each other everything and it had good consequences– We found out that we are different people than we thought the other was, after many years together. Our sexual relationship has expanded dramatically and we now married and intimate every day, sometimes several hours each day, after many years of only seeing each other on weekends, and having routine sex once a week.
On the other hand, we each deal with sexual jealously over the over person’s past sexual history. Sometimes it is triggered by unthinking comments, and sends one of us into a dark mood that lasts for a day or more.
All in all, I’m glad we shared everything, although as you said above, we cannot even be honest with ourselves, much less another person.
I wish we had some guidelines on what to share– as you said, weight the pros and cons … maybe ask oneself: “will my partner’s knowing this be good for our relationship?”
Michael, I received this advice from a female friend:
The things we share with our partners should be kind, helpful and beneficial. Always. There are times when people inquire about a partner’s past but quite honestly, they really don’t want to know the answers.
If, in sharing about past intimate experiences, you present the information in a kind way and it builds your partner up, then it would probably be okay (i.e., I’ve never felt as safe and cherished with any of my former boyfriends as I do with you).
Once the words are spoken, they are forever “out there.” What my husband and I have always said was whatever experiences we had in our past lead us to who we are today, which is a great partner to the other.
Personally, I’m thankful for my husband’s former experiences, because it helped shape who he is as a husband today.