My wife of 19 years has started asking for anal sex. I like that she’s asking for what she wants and desires. The thing is… I don’t desire anal sex. I’m a 48 yo guy and my wife thinks there’s something wrong with me. She says every red blooded male wants anal. I just don’t. I get anxious when trying to penetrate her. I sweat. My breath quickens and it isn’t fun. We use toys. My fingers. And I see how much pleasure it brings her. She keeps insisting a real man would just be having a field day with her ass. What can I do to change this about me? I feel inadequate, like I’m letting her down by not wanting this. It’s turned into a lot of pressure because she wants more than fingers and toys and I just don’t.
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First of all, no one should ever feel pressured or coerced into having sex that makes them feel uncomfortable or turned off. So if you really don’t want to have anal intercourse with your wife, you’re under no obligation.
The fact is, you DO engage in anal play with her—fingering and inserting toys—just not penis-anus intercourse. Now, she’s free to want anal intercourse, but you’re clearly making a good faith effort to please her, so you have nothing to apologize for, no reason to feel inadequate.
It’s also a shame she’s been putting you down for your feelings. I repeat: Despite what your wife says, there’s nothing wrong with you. Some men can’t get enough of anal intercourse while others don’t care for it. Either way, it’s normal. You are who you are. You might share my reply with her so she understand that you’re free to feel however you feel, and that she should stop berating you for it.
Now, you say you’d like to change so you can provide exactly what your wife wants. That’s laudable. If you want to become more comfortable with anal intercourse, here are my suggestions:
• Instead of you pushing into her anus, lie on your back, have her squat over you, and slowly, gently lower her anus onto your erection with one of you holding it up so it can enter.
• Before doing this, lubricate your erection well, and lubricate her anus, too, so you slide in easily.
• And before that, have her wear a butt plug or anal dildo for 30 minutes to an hour so she’s stretched a bit for easy insertion.
• You might close your eyes and fantasize slipping your erection into her—or anyone’s—mouth or vagina instead of anus.
• I also suggest lots of deep breathing to keep you relaxed and prevent hyperventilating.
• Finally, it may take some time for this little program to enable anal intercourse. I urge both you and your wife to be patient and kind to one another, and to laugh off any problems. If you practice this approach over time—a few months—I bet things will improve for you.