Hi, I’m 43 and my husband is 45. Happily married for over 20 years. We’ve alway had great sex at least 4-5 times per week. He’s healthy, doesn’t smoke, drinks occasionally, plays hockey regularly, our kids are 23, 14, 12. My problem is that I’d like to have sex with him even more often: 2-3 per day every day. It doesn’t have to be a penetration. Oral sex is great too. I look at him and I become wet. When I tell my husband, he says he can’t keep up with me. What should I do? I want him to want me as much as I do. Please help.
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What should you do? The short answer is: I have no idea. But there’s a longer answer, and perhaps I can provide some perspective.
You’re not alone. A small proportion of women feel exactly as you do, wanting sex seemingly all the time. In the sexological literature, the term is “highly sexual women.” No one knows the proportion of women who feel what you feel, a male-type sex drive in overdrive, but the best guess is considerably fewer than 1 percent. Still, with about 100 million adult women in the country, even one one-hundredth of 1 percent comes to 10,000 women.
The one study I’ve seen on the subject, from 2003, surveyed 44 highly sexual Detroit-area women who responded to an ad seeking women “who think about sex all the time.” They all struggled emotionally and in their friendships and relationships with feeling different from what American culture assumes about and expects of women. Every one of the women had experienced distress about being highly sexual. One compared it with having a chronic disease, like diabetes: “It’s something I have to deal with all the time.” But overall, 35 of the 44 said that on balance, being highly sexual had positive impact on their lives. Twelve (27%) said being highly sexual was the “core of their being.” As one put it: “It gives me strength.”
All these women had spent many years considering themselves “sluts” and “nymphomaniacs.” Most had been called that name by both male and female friends. All considered such name-calling unfair, even though many believed the charge was true.
A good deal of research shows that women who have been sexually abused may become hypersexual years later. The study asked about child sexual exploitation. Ten of the 44 (23%) women reported incest or abuse, a proportion that mirrors the general population’s experience. In other words, sexual exploitation does not explain the women’s sexual enthusiasm. It’s just who they are.
And eventually, most came to accept themselves. The process involved periods of brief serial relationships and multiple partners. At the time they were surveyed, 10 (23%) were married and five more (total, 34%) were in long-term relationships they considered “relatively satisfying.” However, most of the women, including those in committed relationships, described themselves as open to secondary or casual sexual relationships in addition to their primary relationships.
Your husband says he can’t keep up with you. One alternative would be to wear out some vibrators. Another might be a hall pass, his permission for you to be sexual with others governed by clear ground rules, for example, safe sex only. Or perhaps there’s some other arrangement you and your husband might negotiate to maintain your relationship while not deneying who you are. That’s about all I can suggest. Best of luck!