My wife of 27 years and I have hit a challenging period in our sexual life. Due to medications, her libido is pretty much nonexistent with only infrequent requests for sex. I am good about helping her get there but our sex is only about her as she usually falls asleep after her moment. Due to my erection issues, she prefers oral or digit stimulation. She still would like to do penis/vaginal sex but it’s very rare that I can do that.

On that rare moment, she experiences a lot of pain with the penetration. We lubricate quite a bit but it still hurts and I pull back. I am assuming it’s due to the very infrequent amount of penetration she experiences. Also, she had a bladder net put in a few years ago and that seems to be part of it.

I am ok with doing her orally, but she is not into it anymore for me, and in fact really doesn’t like touching me down there. I am  conscientious about hygiene so I am sure that is not the issue. I try to talk to her about it, just says she doesn’t like touching my penis (flaccid or erect) with no other explanation.

Trying to come up with some strategies to improve this and so far none. Any ideas…

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    You guys have complicated sexual issues. I can point toward good information, but I’d urge you to consult a sex therapist. Here’s why:

    You have a major desire difference. You say her libido has collapsed while you want regular sex. Desire differences are a leading reasons why couples consult sex therapists.

    You have major repertoire differences. You want oral and you say she’s not into it. She has every right to her hard limits, but you’re not getting your needs met. You say she won’t even give you hand jobs, doesn’t like touching your penis at all. That’s frustrating.

    She’s confusing. You say she wants intercourse, but when it happens, she experiences pain. You say she insists on being satisfied, and then leaves you hanging. This is the only time I’ve ever heard of the WOMAN coming and then rolling over and falling asleep. What’s that about?

    So like I mentioned, complicated issues. I suggest you start with these articles: “You’re Insatiable!” “You never want to!” How Sex Therapists Recommend Resolving Desire Differences. And “Oral Sex: Enhancement Suggestions for Men and Women.” They may help. At the very least, if she’s willing to read them, they might stimulation productive discussion.

    But your issues are complicated and to my way of thinking, go beyond what self-help can accomplish. Fortunately sex therapy usually helps. Consumers report benefit in two-thirds of cases. You never have sex with or in the presence of the therapist. Sex therapy is couples counseling with special emphasis on sexual issues. For more about sex therapy, read my article on it.

    What if she won’t go? Go by yourself. It’s suboptimal, but it’s the next best alternative. The therapist can analyze your issues and quite possibly offer suggestions that help. To find a sex therapist near you, contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

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