I’m a 30-yr-old male and I’ve watched porn for most of my life. I’ve had trouble in the past with performance anxiety. It’s presented itself with the same pattern in the last few relationships I’ve had. I start dating someone, and subsequently stop watching porn. For a month or two the sex is great. Then all of a sudden I start to lose arousal, which sends me into a panic and so starts the anxiety stress loop. Want to have sex, get anxious, lose arousal, feel guilt, repeat.
I recently got into a relationship and its been about a month and a half and the symptoms are starting to present themselves again. I really like this person and I’m extremely attracted to them, but I find myself losing arousal all of a sudden during sex. Or I’ll get anxious beforehand in anticipation of losing arousal. How can I recover from this? Is the damage ive done to my brain permanent? If not, how do I try to take steps toward a healthy sex life with my partner?
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First, unless watching porn interferes significantly with school, work, family responsibilities, friendships, or relationships, there’s nothing wrong with it. Almost all men (and many women) view porn. The sky hasn’t fallen. Porn can be especially beneficial for men who are chronically anxious, as you say you are. Porn causes just one thing–self-sexing, which is relaxing and helps deal with chronic anxiety. It’s fine at an age and whether or not you’re in a relationship. So my first suggestion is that maybe a little porn might help you relax in your new relationship and enjoy it.
Second, I urge you to discuss your situation with your new love. That may also help relieve some of your anxiety. And it’s likely to spur your new partner to want to help in any way possible. Relationships are all about intimacy, people revealing their true selves to their partners. I urge you to reveal this, and talk about it, and see if your partner can help.
Third, since you’ve had this pattern for a while, it might also help to discuss it with a sex therapist. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists or the American Board of Sexology.
Writing to me was a good first step. I’m confident you can resolve this problem.