Okay, so obviously it’s his, but what happens when your man complains that he doesn’t get enough “alone time” with his penis? In my case, he has assured me that the sex is great, but feels I ask for it too frequently. Keep in mind that I very rarely ask him to pleasure me in return. I just can’t seem to get enough of making him go off and sometimes he feels like he’d rather go off by himself. So, why do men want to go off alone? And how do I stop feeling jealous of his hands?

Good Kitty


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I see two things going on: (1) His desire to masturbate. (2) Your feeling that he should prefer your touch to his own.

    Masturbation and partner sex are both “sex,” but the two are very different. Men use masturbation the way women use bubble baths, shopping, or talking with friends, as a form of self-soothing. In my view, people have the right to masturbate, and men have the right to soothe themselves in this way alone with their own hand. You’re very generous to be willing to get him off, but partner sex doesn’t replace many men’s need for self-soothing and alone time.

    You guys have a desire difference. You want partner sex more than he does. In most couples, desire differences have to do with one wanting partner sex more than the other. In your case, you want more partner sex and he wants less so he can masturbate. While he has every right to masturbate, the two of you need to negotiate the sexual terms of your marriage so that there’s a reasonable amount of partner sex to satisfy you, and a reasonable amount of time for him to satisfy himself. I suggest you read my article Resolving Desire Differences, which presents the program sex therapists have developed to deal with this issue.

    If the article doesn’t provide sufficient help, then I’d suggest consulting a sex therapist. I bet a brief course of sex therapy would set a mutually agreeable set of ground rules for who does what when with whom. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, read my article on it or see the movie “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    Finally, I’m a bit concerned that you never ask him to give you erotic pleasure. If you’re truly okay with that, then fine. But as you negotiate the terms of your sexual relationship—partner sex vs. his masturbation—I hope you don’t ignore your own needs and your right to sexual pleasure in your marriage.

Leave a Response

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.