I am 41, 5’8”, 140lbs, good looking, muscular, and well endowed. My wife is 49, chubby, very attractive, with beautiful tan legs. We have been married 17 yrs with no children (lost 2 to miscarriage). My wife says she no longer has any desire for sex. We have not had sex or been intimate for a very long time. We both work full time. I came home 2 hrs early from work one day and heard loud music playing and some moaning noises and the jets in our fancy tub were running full blast. I looked into our bathroom from the darkened hallway. She was laid back in the tub with her eyes closed and her legs spread wide hanging over each side of the tub. It looked like she had the main water jet nozzle between her legs. My wife’s face was it up in pleasure. As she moaned her body shook and convulsed, and buck and I mean BUCK screaming very loud AAAAAAHHHH!!! Violently humping her pelvis into the water jet. Water was being splashed out onto the floor. I have never heard the profanity coming out of her mouth with her screaming and yelling through more orgasms like she was in a TRANCE. Good thing we don’t have neighbors. I asked her a while back if she was masturbating in hopes of spicing things up, she became upset and embarrassed and said NEVER!! Guess that’s why she wanted me to buy that jet tub after I remodeled our bathroom for our anniversary. So I left quietly and returned home at my usual time without her knowing I was there or embarrassing her. Does she now prefer water masturbating over sex?? How should I handle this??? I am floored….
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Well, now you know that your wife has not lost her desire for sex. And I’m inferring that you’d like to return to a sexual relationship with her, and see your new knowledge of her sexuality as a possible route to get there.
I see three issues here: privacy, the right to masturbate, and your couple sex life or lack of it.
About privacy: People have a right to it. You seem to agree because you did not interrupt her and announce your presence.
About masturbation: People also have a right to solo sex. Now some say that once you’re coupled up, the partner should meet all your sexual needs and masturbation is no longer necessary. But almost everyone in couples has masturbated before being coupled. Masturbation is our original sexuality. Why give up apple pie once you’ve discovered cherry? Masturbation and partner sex are both “sex,” but they involve two very different experiences. In masturbation, you’re totally focused on your own pleasure, while in partner sex, you have to accommodate the other person’s needs. As a result, partner sex is more erotic “work.” Sometimes people just want to take care of themselves. That’s easier, and they have every right to masturbate. In other words, desire for masturbation doesn’t necessarily signal any desire for partner sex.
About your couple sex: The other issue for you guys is that you haven’t had partner sex in a long time. That often makes returning to it emotionally complicated and difficult. You didn’t say why you stopped making love, so I’m unaware of your issues. But I’m betting it’s easier for your wife to do herself than to negotiate with you over restoring sex to what has become a sexless marriage.
So what to do? You have several options. You might say nothing. That’s the path you’ve chosen so far. The upsides are that you’d be respecting her privacy and you’d retain the status quo in your marriage, which sounds like it more or less works even though you’re not sexual together. The downside is that you don’t get what you want, a return to partner sex.
You might confront her saying: “I saw you masturbating in the tub, therefore, you have sexual desire, therefore I want us to be sexual again.” The upside is that you’d be asking for what you want. The downsides are that she may feel that her privacy has been violated. She may want just solo sex, not the partner variety. And saying “I saw you, so let’s get it on,” doesn’t address the issues that ended your sexual relationship.
Or you might remain silent about seeing her in the tub, but say something like: “I really miss making love and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to heal that part of our relationship and have sex again. How about joining me in consulting a sex therapist?” A sex therapist could help you both clarify the issues that led to your no-partner-sex situation, and perhaps help you return to a sexual relationship. The upsides are that you continue to respect her privacy. You don’t mistake a desire for solo sex with desire for partner sex. And you show what you’re willing to work on the issues in your marriage. The downside is that she might refuse to join you in sex therapy, which could add tension to your marriage.
There is no right and wrong here. You know your own marriage better than I do, so consider your options and do what feels right to you.
If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, you can read my article on the subject. If you’re interested but can’t quite bring up the subject, I urge you to rent the recent poignant comedy, Hope Springs, in which Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones are in a sexless marriage and she asks him to accompany her to a sex therapist. The film presents a very realistic view of sex therapy—and it has a happy, loving ending. Watching it might help you raise the subject. Good luck!