No One “Gives” Anyone an Orgasm

Sexual coaching doesn’t shatter men. How else can they learn what women want?

Key points:

• Many women are less concerned about their own pleasure than with not upsetting their partners’ supposedly delicate sexual egos.
• Attention, women: If you don’t speak up about your sexual needs, men can’t know how to please you.
• Attention, men: If you ask for coaching, your partner will be pleased—and probably more responsive.
• Sexual coaching is easier than many people believe.

Researchers at Western University in Pomona, California, asked focus groups of women how they felt when they did not have orgasms, and what, if anything, they did about it. Without orgasms, the women said they felt sad, frustrated, unsatisfied, and resentful. But few reported attempting to coach their partners. Their main concern was not their own pleasure, but rather the fear that any coaching would injure their men’s supposedly eggshell egos. 

Ladies, Speak Up! 

Men’s egos are NOT as fragile as many women—especially young women—believe. All men of all ages have a wealth of experience dealing with disappointment—losing in sports, school troubles, career setbacks, and rejections from previous women. After disappointments, almost all men pick themselves up, regroup, and hopefully learn from their experiences. 

Ladies, when you coach men sexually, you’re not rejecting them, just asking for little adjustments. For example, you might ask men to spend more time caressing your clitoris by hand and/or mouth. Men’s egos will survive just fine—especially if you also praise what you like about their  lovemaking, and after request(s), laud them for adjusting their sexual style more to your liking. 

Please DON’T just complain to girlfriends that your guy is clueless. TELL HIM. If you don’t, he CAN’T know your likes or dislikes. No one can read anyone’s erotic mind. Falling in love—or into bed—doesn’t confer psychic powers. Coaching is the ONLY way to receive the caresses you want.

If men aren’t sufficiently familiar with the clitoris and have already been sexual with other women, chances are those earlier gals didn’t speak up. Don’t you wish they had?

Gentlemen, Request Coaching Every Time

Attention, men: Have you ever struck out in baseball? Missed a basketball shot? Of course you have. In life, disappointments are inevitable. Did those little setbacks obliterate your self-esteem? Chances are you picked yourself up, tried again, and kept trying—ideally aided by coaches who identified your weaknesses and helped you improve. 

Ditto for lovemaking. If you don’t already provide generous gentle clitoral caresses, your partners probably want that. Ask. 

In addition, everyone is sexually unique. You CAN’T know what women want sexually unless they tell you. In new relationships, ALWAYS ask for coaching. And in long-term relationships, continue to ask periodically. 

Just because your last girlfriend liked certain moves doesn’t mean your current gal feels the same. If you want your partners to enjoy themselves, have orgasms, and give you good reviews, you MUST appreciate the particular caresses they like as individuals. If they’re afraid to tell you for fear of bruising your fragile ego, you never learn what they like, and you risk being put down when they talk with their girlfriends. 

Women aren’t the only ones who desire sexual adjustments. Many men also have requests, and some feel reluctant or unable to request them. Everyone can use coaching, so these suggestions apply to everyone of all ages, genders, and sexual inclinations.

Coaching Made Easy

• Jot a list of every complaint/wish you have. Be specific. Not: I wish he would be gentler. That’s vague. Better: I wish he didn’t pinch my nipples so hard. Rank your list from the request easiest to discuss to the one that’s hardest. Start with your easiest. Chances are it’s not too difficult to request it. If your partner grants it, he gets used to being coached. You gain confidence about speaking up. And chances are you’ll become more turned on, which your partner will probably notice and enjoy. Work your way through your list making one new request every few months.

• Kissing is a great place to start coaching. Kissing is key to many lovers’ sexual pleasure and satisfaction, and most people find it easier to discuss kissing than genital play. Start with a compliment, and then state your suggestion. “I love the way you kiss, but I wish you’d lick my lips more. Let me show you.” Or “…but please let me slip my tongue into your mouth, too.” Or “…but instead of just pushing your tongue down my throat, can we let our tongues dance together?” 

• Pair speaking up with strategic silence. When you like what’s going on, say, “Yes,” or “Ahh,” or “That’s so nice.” When you’re less than thrilled with any move, remain silent. If you consistently encourage what gives you pleasure, you’re very likely to get more of that, and less of what elicits silence. 

• Gentlemen, as things heat up, look your partner in the eye and say something like, “I want you to feel nothing but pleasure. If anything I do doesn’t provide pleasure, please tell me immediately, so I can give you what you enjoy.” This no only invites coaching, but is also quite likely to impress your gal—and her friends when she tells them about it. 

• Gentlemen, before initiating any erotic escalations, say, “I’d love to X”—caress your breasts, unbutton your top, whatever. “Is that okay?” If she says yes, proceed. If she hesitates, say something like: “I promise I’ll be gentle.” “I’ll stop whenever you want.” And if she says no, respect her wishes. Her limits may frustrate you, but if you’re patient, if you prove trustworthy, in time you might get lucky. If you push a bit beyond her limits, you’re a boor and her friends will probably hear about it. If you push beyond that, it’s rape, a felony that could land you in prison.

• After erotic escalations, always ask, “Is this okay?” Then request coaching. “Would you like gentler touch? Firmer? What? Please tell me.”

• Limit alcohol. Many people, especially young adults, have sex drunk, sometimes blotto. Even moderate drinking can derail coaching, and increase risk of sexual assault. If you enjoy sex in an altered state, consider cannabis. Most people call it sex-enhancing. It slows that pace, which encourages coaching. And compared with alcohol, it’s much less associated with rape.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to enjoy sex, you MUST tell your partners what pleases you, and ask for coaching about what pleases them.

For more on sexual coaching, check out my book Sizzling Sex for Life.

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