I’m a 42-year-old man, married to a woman I love, and we have three kids. Before marrying, I had sex with six other women. No men. But I’ve always thought about having sex with men, sucking their cocks and having them suck me. Lately, I’ve been spending time on gay porn sites. And when my wife sucks me, I imagine it’s a man. The thing is, I still love my wife, still enjoy sex with her, and fantasize about women, too. And I’ve never had sex with a man. What’s up with this?
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It sounds like you’re bisexual. It’s perfectly normal—and fairly common—for people who identify as heterosexual to have fantasies of same-sex lovers. The myth is that heterosexuals are 100 percent into the opposite sex with zero curiosity about same-sex lovers, and that homosexuals are totally committed to the same sex with no interest in the opposite. But sexual orientation is not always an either-or proposition. Many people fall somewhere in between, either basically hetero with some homo interest, or basically homo with some hetero interest. And some people are evenly bisexual, with equal interest in sex with both men and women. All these sexualities are normal.
It’s quite common for happy, well-adjusted men who identify as heterosexual to have same-sex fantasies. Fantasies are a safe way to experience the outer reaches of your sexuality in a nonthreatening way. However, same-sex fantasies suggest that you’re not 100 percent heterosexual. They suggest at least some homoerotic interest. That’s fine. It’s perfectly normal to be basically hetero with some same-sex interest. For more on bisexuality, read the article Bisexuality: What the Research Shows, or visit the American Institute of Bisexuality.