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I am really confused. I have been happily married for over 20 yrs and have had a great sex life with my husband. But over the last few months, I have had this desire to sleep with another woman and I cant stop masturbating while watching lesbian porn. My husband is a very unselfish lover and makes me cum most of the time although I can’t seem to stop thinking how it would be to sleep with a female … Is this normal???


  • Michael Castleman says:

    You ask if it’s “normal” for a woman happily married in a long-term heterosexual relationship to have intense, vivid fantasies of lesbian sex. It’s not “normal” in the sense of commonplace. Most heterosexuals don’t suddenly have same-sex fantasies. But it’s perfectly “normal” in the sense of possible. Many people are not 100 percent heterosexual. Some are mostly hetero but also have some same-sex erotic interest. And for those folks, there’s no telling when in life that same-sex interest surfaces, so in my view, you’re normal.

    But you’re also confused, and I’m not surprised. From your brief description, I can’t offer deep insight into what’s going on inside your heart and mind. But it’s quite possible that you’re discovering that you’re bisexual.

    It’s also possible that you’re not really bisexual, that you’re having very intense fantasies of lesbian sex but that these daydreams are only fantasies. Many people masturbate to various types of porn–lesbian, BDSM, public sex, orgy, sex with amputees, etc.–but have no desire to act out those fantasies in real life. They simply enjoy them while masturbating.

    How can you know if you’re just fantasizing or if you’re really bisexual and now truly interested in lesbian experiences? You have a number of options. You might suggest a FFM threesome to your husband and see if you enjoy lesbian sex in addition to your marital sex. Or you might discuss this with a psychotherapist. Or you might try hooking up with a woman without your husband’s knowledge. Each of these options has advantages and disadvantages. Or you might simply continue masturbating to lesbian porn, which would be the path of least resistance, but it wouldn’t answer the question: Are you bisexual or not? The choice is yours.

    If you’d like to read more, try the articles on bisexuality and sexual fantasies.

  • Confused says:

    To ask my husband to have a threesome is out of the question. He loves the thought of me being with another woman but that’s because it’s just fantasy. He would die if he knew I was masturbating to lesbian porn. I think secretly he loves the fact that we are having so much great sex, but he would hate to think of his wife having ‘real’ slutty desires. He is a wonderful husband and I know it would upset him if he thought he wasn’t enough to satisfy me … which he does, but I can’t stop fantasying about sex with women – even after we have a marathon sex session. Everything goes (apart from anal), then I spend the rest of the night sneaking about watching lesbian porn and reading filthy lesbian porn …. I am so confused!!! I love him and I sometimes tell him to do things to
    me that I imagine another woman doing to me, which really does turn me on even more. The good side of this is I am always horny and ready to go whenever he is but I could NEVER admit that it is because I have such a deep desire to be with someone else and I could never bring myself to cheat on him with another woman!! Looks
    Like my only choice is to keep masturbating and enjoying the fantasy world of lesbian sex while still enjoying a healthy hetrosexual sex life as we are….

  • Michael Castleman says:

    If you’re not willing to tell him what really turns you on, and you’re not willing to cheat on him with a woman or ask for a threesome, then I agree–your only viable choice is to fantasize lesbian sex while making love with him or while masturbating to lesbian porn. You might also consider talking with a psychotherapist or sex therapist to explore your emotions more deeply. Do you and your husband ever watch porn together? If so, you might gently suggest some lesbian videos, and if he’s into them, then you might say you also enjoy them, and see where that leads.

  • Confused says:

    Thanks. I might try the lesbian porn route with him. I don’t want to lose him over my desire to fuck another woman. I know he has a massive sex drive so he might go for it. If not, it will be the end for us. Thanks again.

  • joejack1990 says:

    Without sounding judgmental it seems quite sad to be dismissive of your marriage. “…. it will be the end for us”.
    Undoubtedly people, their interests, sexual outlooks and their relationships are dynamic – they change with time. From my experience, being the husband in a similar situation I would advise greater caution and I would certainly would not be so dismissive or encouraging for you to try out your fantasies unless of course you already recognize your marriage is over in which case you must respect your partner and request a temporary or permanent separation first.
    You cannot have your cake and eat it. Sexual activity with other partners, even same sex and in an open or together seldom works. Twos company – Three’s a crowd!

    It’s highly plausible this is sexual adventurism and often it can lead to temporary fixation due to the europhia you feel in your sexual stimulation. Whilst it is hard for a longterm partner to compete with this you do owe it to your relationship & longterm future to try to reinvigorate your sex life with your husband or pause and wait to see if this fixation passes.
    It is wise to note sexual partners of any sex are easy to find and two a penny but fulfilling life partners are rare indeed.

    Luckily for us my wife communicated her fixation to me and we deliberated all our options, taking into consideration her ambiguity, mixed feelings and confused outlook on life. We decided that initially in the short term we would share her fantasy, embrace it as a dimension to our own sex lives and we watched hot lesbian porn together.
    We had agreement that if she persisted long term with her self doubt & her confusion we would take a temporary marriage break. Regardless sharing the problem removed her guilt, brought us closer together and whilst we had a hot mutual exploration of her lesbian side after a period of 7 or 8 months she learned to live with it which subdued her fixation.

    After 15 months she no longer enjoyed watching any lesbian porn exclaiming it bored her and slightly now repulsed her. She is open and says that she wish she could suck sensitively another woman’s nipples or even feel what it is like to trib with another woman, equally she confides she would like a MMF 3-some and also respects my fantasies for a school girl or a virgin but she has put it all into perspective. More importantly she is content that our marriage and partnership is the best thing and most important aspect of her life and sexual fulfillment.
    So please give yourself time and address the matter in a cautious slow moving way and time will reward you. Equally respect your partner and communicate your confusion.

    Couples that communicate stay together. Good luck – thanks for sharing your life’s dilemma.

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