My partner recently confessed that he has bisexual fantasies about giving men blow jobs. He and I are in a committed relationship and are completely open with each other. His confession has created a dilemma about his sexual identity. Is he bisexual?
Responses
Leave a Response
You must be logged in to post a comment.
I’m a male, married, and I have fantasies about this too. In fact they’re more frequent now than ever.
For me, the idea of declaring myself something other than squarely “heterosexual” is a bit risky. People will make judgements, or put on a front of tolerance and acceptance that might really be masking distaste. And from what I know, both the gay camp and most heterosexuals don’t especially like someone who says he is bisexual. To the gays he’s gay but hasn’t come out yet; to heteros he’s into hedonistic tourism or just fantasizes too much. And I know some women are devastated to learn their man has these desires because they, as a woman, can’t compete with them and can never completely satisfy their man’s desires.
But I like the idea of declaring myself “mostly heterosexual”. It kind of gives the connotation that I am truly anchored in heterosexuality, but have some fantasies or desires in the other direction that I’m aware of and maybe even criticizing myself for. But it seems like a very honest and realistic description without having to declare myself “bi” with all the baggage, over-commitment to it, and limited opportunities which that brings. In fact it would beg the question, “what do you mean by ‘Mostly’ “, which would give a chance to explain my fantasies or desires, and open up an honest conversation from the start with someone to whom this would be relevant, such as a potential girlfriend. Who might also reveal her own fantasies and desires.
The more I look at the research and at blogs like this, the more I see that same-sex fantasies among men are common. One way of thinking says there are three categories of one’s sexuality: fantasies, behaviors, and identity. For men, it seems same-sex fantasies are common, behaviors less common, and identity (as being gay or bi) much less common and perhaps only comes from being mostly or entirely gay and having a social and personal network that makes coming out okay. From the surveys I’ve seen, there are many more men who fantasize about same-sex activity than there are who identify as gay or bisexual. But there must be many men who go as far as actual same-sex sexual behavior with another man, but who still identify as hetero and not as gay. And they actually ARE hetero: they’re attracted to and turned on by women, they flirt, they have sex with them. With all due respect to gays, I think one of the worse things the gay movement has done is to stigmatize or claim that any same-sex attractions, or behaviors, by men automatically means that the man is gay. I think this has driven many men away from acting on some of their same-sex desires even though it would be good for them to do once in a while, temporarily, or even on an ongoing part-time basis. I know I would. And as far as sharing these desires with a female partner or potential partner, I guess it depends on the woman, but I know there are some women who are okay with it, perhaps in the same way that some women are okay with their man seeing a female prostitute. It’s an outlet. It can take sexual pressure off of them and enables the rest of the relationship to thrive better, as long as there’s no real romance involved between their man and the other person.
I would say that most likely, he is heterosexual (in fantasies, behavior AND identity) but also has same-sex fantasies, which could turn into behaviors, but he would never identify as bi or gay. Maybe you could watch gay male porn with him or somehow act out these fantasies together with sex toys or other ways, or just let him get aroused with you about it and masturbate. Maybe him sucking on a strap-on that you are wearing could satisfy his desires well enough.
It’s good to know you are completely open with each other and he doesn’t have to be ashamed of this. Of course, being open doesn’t automatically mean accepting everything about each other. You’ll both have to explore and negotiate your way forward. It could be something you are either fine with, tolerate, don’t approve of, or is a relationship-killer and you’ll both move on to other relationships. One’s sexuality has a life of its own in many ways, and you are what you are. I hope this helps!
Such a complex conundrum. I use to ask myself “ If I am heterosexual and married, why am I fantasizing Sexually of other men. “ I love my hetero life and wife. I finally discussed it with my wife and she is totally I threatened by it, as she should be. I explored it and on a totally physical level loved it and still do. It’s so different. Emotionally I am 100% hetero.
I stopped asking myself why because it stopped mattering. I am who I am……a true very careful bi curious guy. I love my wife for allowing me to explore this most complex of desires. It doesn’t work without her acceptance. That’s the hard part for most guys. A lot of women won’t. I satisfy that urge now with another guy and it is a fascinating experience. Very erotic. Doesn’t happen a lot.