“Did you come?” This question looms over a good deal of lovemaking, especially among lovers under 30. Fortunately, gentlemen, it’s usually not difficult to recognize women’s orgasms. And it’s fairly easy to help most women get there. All men need to do is let go of the idea that intercourse is all it takes.
Many men wonder if women have had orgasms. Some women fake them. What to do?
What Proportion of Women Fake Orgasm?
Depending on the study, one-third to two-thirds of women say they’ve faked orgasm at least once:
- University of Kansas researchers surveyed 101 women college students. Those admitting faking—67 percent.
- Finnish scientists surveyed 1,421 adult Finnish women. Those who’d pretended at least once—34 percent.
Women fake it for several reasons:
- To boosting partners’ egos and avoid hurting their feelings.
- To avoid shaming and accusations of inadequacy.
- To end the sex.
- And for nonsexual gains—recognition as the man’s official girlfriend, cement the relationship, or to elicit marriage proposals.
Faking is age-related. As age increases, more women become better able to ask for the clitoral caresses that trigger orgasm, and most men gain insights into the sexual moves that help women climax.
I’d be interested to hear from women about faking it. Have you ever? Why? How did it affect the relationship? And has the relationship endured?
How Men Can Tell
Gentlemen, given the frequency of faking, if you feel the need to ask, chances are she didn’t come, especially if you make love drunk, rush into intercourse, and don’t provide gentle, extended hand massage of her clit and cunnilingus every time.
Most orgasms are actually pretty hard to miss. Women’s resemble men’s. Think about your own and you’ll be better able to identify women’s. The vast majority begin with quickening of breathing often accompanied by gasps or moans followed by several seconds of rapid, involuntary contractions of the muscles around the vulva and anus, usually with jerky movement of the hips and often the whole body. Orgasms conclude with release into relaxation and dreamy contentment. If you help her to orgasm orally, your lips and tongue are likely to feel her vaginal muscle contractions.
If you want to see women have orgasms, ignore the vast majority of porn. The women moan, groan, and thrash, seeming to climax, but they don’t. I’ve interviewed several women porn actors. All were orgasmic at home during personal lovemaking with their real partners. But none ever came on camera. Not one.
Why? Largely because porn depicts male fantasies of women endlessly servicing men with fellatio and intercourse. Porn contains very little of what actually helps women climax—leisurely, playful, extended kissing, cuddling, and whole-body massage, gentle hand jobs and lots of gentle cunnilingus. The women actors didn’t get that on the set but did at home.
However, one little corner of the amateur porno-sphere can be instructive. You can watch hundreds of real women have real orgasms using their hands or vibrators by visiting sample-aggregation sites (PornHub, lobstertube, elephanttube). Among the myriad categories, select Orgasm Compilations.
How To Boost Women’s Likelihood of Orgasm During Intercourse
Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The old in-out doesn’t provide much stimulation for women’s orgasm trigger, the clitoris, which sits an inch or two above the vaginal opening under the top junction of the vaginal lips.
But many couples would like women to come during intercourse. Three intercourse positions allow men to provide direct clitoral massage quite easily. In addition, a slight variation on the man-on-top (missionary) position may also help.
- Woman-on-top. The man lies on his back with legs together. The woman straddles his hips and sits on his erection. She can reach down and caress her clit by hand or using a vibrator. Or he can make a fist and place it at the junction of their pelvises. The woman adjusts his fist so she can lean forward and press her clitoris into it.
- Rear entry (doggie). She’s on hands or elbows and knees. He kneels or stands behind her. He can reach around and caress her clit. Or she can reach between her legs or use a vibrator. Note: Rear entry allows the deepest insertion, possibly causing women pain. Gentlemen, ask her to tell you if deep insertion hurts, then never push in beyond her comfort limit.
- Spooning (her back to his chest). His hands are free to massage her clitoris. Or she can caress herself by hand or vibrator.
- The coital alignment technique (CAT). During conventional man-on-top intercourse, erections move almost horizontally. In 1988, New York sex researcher Edward Eichel urged men to shift forward and to one side so his chest covers one of her shoulders. With this change, erections move more up and down, and the pubic bone at the base of the penis makes more direct contact with the clitoris. Several studies have shown that he’s correct. The CAT doesn’t guarantee women orgasms during man-on-top intercourse, an it’s no substitute for gentle, extended clitoral caresses by hand, mouth, or vibrator. But the CAT significantly improves women’s ability to have orgasms during man-on-top intercourse.
- Have a ball. During conventional man-on-top intercourse, or the CAT, a small soft ball—nerf, hackey sack, etc.—can be placed between the woman’s clitoris and the man’s pelvis. His pelvis pressing on the ball may increase the woman’s ability to come.
- Mock-intercourse. Instead of inserting, he positions his erection to press against the sensitive groove between her inner vaginal lips. Assuming good lubrication, his shaft presses against her urethral sponge, while his glans caresses her clit.
Help for Women with Orgasm Trouble
Almost all women can climax solo by hand or vibrator, but with partners around 30 percent have problems. That’s what the University of Chicago found in a study of 3,299 women age eighteen to eighty-five. Fortunately, the overwhelming majority can learn to have orgasms.
In the words of sexologist Erwin J. Haeberle, “Orgasm is learned. The teacher is masturbation.” Some suggestions:
- Buy a vibrator. Today, half of adult American women own at least one. Vibrators produce more intense sensation than hands and tongues can provide. Most women who can’t have orgasms without vibrators can come using them. If women need vibrators to come, there’s rarely anything wrong with them. That’s just who they are. Vibrators do not ruin women for sex without them, nor are vibes addictive. And they don’t replace men. They just provide more intense stimulation than women would otherwise receive. Dozens of models are available. Search the Internet.
- Read Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women. This classic self-help book by sexologists Julia Heiman, Ph.D., and Joseph LoPiccolo, Ph.D., guides women through a step-by-step process of self-discovery focusing on barriers to pleasure, self-touch, vibrators, and coaching lovers. A companion DVD is also available (Amazon.com).
- Coaching. Ladies, chances are your orgasm difficulties are less about you than how you’re caressed during sex. Does your man kiss and cuddle? Does he provide at least twenty minutes of gentle, extended handjobs and oral? If not, speak up. Ask for what you need. Don’t worry about his fragile ego. Keeping him in the dark means nothing ever changes. He wants to help you to orgasm. Tell him how.
- Sex therapy. If you can’t speak up, a sex therapist can help you find your voice. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
You may also be interested in reading – No One “Gives” Anyone an Orgasm
