I am 22. So, I have been masturbating for 10 years now with a back massager. Then 3 years ago, I met my boyfriend and I’ve only been able to orgasm through sex 3 times. I am able to get off with oral pleasure or his hand with not too much of a problem but the lack of orgasm during sex is beginning to take a toll on us both. He is really wonderful and we do try different things to help me but nothing helps. Since I can only get off with repeated sensation in a certain area and his penis just doesn’t do it for me, does that mean all the years of using the massager sort of ruined me? And also, what sort of things do you think I can do to help me reach orgasm. I appreciate any advice you can give me.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    When you say you’ve “only been able to orgasm through sex 3 times,” I infer that you mean during vaginal intercourse. Your difficulty experiencing orgasm during intercourse is not unusual. It’s NORMAL. Three-quarters of women are just like you. According to the consensus of the research, only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse. The vast majority of women, like you, need direct caressing of that “certain area” you mention. That would be your clitoris, the little organ that lives outside the vagina, above it, nestled under the upper junction of the vaginal lips. Intercourse does not provide much clitoral stimulation, so it’s difficult for you and most women to experience orgasm during it. For more on this, read the articles, Orgasms During Intercourse – Improving Women’s Chances and New Insights About the Clitoris.

    You say you fear that using the massager to masturbate has “ruined” you. Not at all. The massager provides what intercourse does not, direct clitoral stimulation. Far from ruining women sexually, masturbation with a hand, massager, or anything else is actually GOOD for sex. It teaches women about their own sexual responsiveness and helps them become comfortable with who they are sexually. That comfort allows them to respond more comfortably during partner lovemaking, to be more responsive, enjoy sex more, and have orgasms. For more on this, read Vibrators: Myths vs. Reality.

    The idea that vaginal intercourse “should” produce orgasm in women is just one of many unfortunate myths perpetuated by what I call porn-style sex. For more on this, I suggest you read The Real Problem with Pornography: It’s Bad for Sex. In addition, I think you and your boyfriend might benefit from reading Caressing Women: Advanced Erotic Tips for Men and No One “Gives” Anyone an Orgasm.

    Finally, while it’s perfectly normal for women not to have orgasms during vaginal intercourse, some lovers yearn for that special climax. If you’d like to increase your chances, read How to Increase Women’s Likelihood of Orgasm During Intercourse.

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