Sad obese woman looks while standing by the window

I’m 40, married 10 years. My wife is caring and loving, but over the years, she has gained so much weight that she no longer turns me on. I’m also finding it hard to maintain my erection. I’ve tried sex with other women and don’t have any problems. My wife loves sex and I don’t want to hurt her. Please suggest.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    As you already know only too well, you’re in a tough spot. Half of Americans are overweight. Weight loss is a major challenge. Many people who lose weight regain it. And no one wants to hear, “You’re so fat that I’m sexually turned off.”

    Seems to me you have three choices. (1) You can keep your mouth shut and try to accept things as they are. (2) You can work to change them. Or (3) you can leave the relationship. From your post, it sounds like you’re not into options 1 or 3, which leaves #2, working to change things, as hard as that may be.

    So you have to raise the issue. You might couch it in terms of her health. Obesity is a major risk factor for arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, and many cancers. People who are seriously overweight have decreased life expectancy. You might say, “I don’t want you to die. I don’t want to lose you. I want you to lose weight and I’m willing to help.” Then you might promote a lower-calorie, lower-fat diet and regular exercise for both of you. The two of you might reduce portion sizes and cut back on meats, cheeses, ice cream, and rich desserts, all of which are high in fat. You might also take brisk walks together ideally every day working up to 45 to 60 minutes. In addition to my work as a sex counselor, I’ve been a health journalist for 35 years, and I’ve written extensively on weight control. There are a million ways to lose weight: low fat, low carb, Weight Watchers, etc. But the research shows there’s only one way to keep it off for good—a low-fat, low-calorie diet and daily exercise. Permanent weight control is not about “dieting.” It’s about changing your diet and lifestyle. If the two of you get serious about this, you doctor or a clinical nutritionist can probably help.

    You might also tell your wife that in addition to worrying about her health and longevity, her weight is turning you off sexually. You say she loves sex, so that might be the wake-up call she needs to get serious about losing weight.

    Of course, many people, especially women, feel very sensitive about their weight. If you raise the issue, she may feel hurt, angry, depressed, and betrayed. But like I said, you have three choices. You have to pick one, give it your best shot, and live with the consequences.

  • jillian says:

    First of all, have you looked in the mirror lately? Are you the picture of health, a fine specimen of a man? If so, than you are just an ass. Have you evaluated your wifes lifestyle as it may pertain to her weight? Is she under a lot of stress? Does she have difficult work hours? Is she secretly depressed, ( possibly from you screwing around with other women? Just sayin’)? Or perhaps maybe you are just a pig, if you don’t love your wife for herself and her inner beauty,and what she may bring to your life to make it beautiful, instead of being repulsed by her than maybe SHE would be better off finding someone who loves her and sees her as beautiful regardless of her physical appearance. BTW, I am 53 yrs old, look 40 and am a size 2 so don’t be thinking that I am just a “fat bitch” mouthing off. You men really need to get a CLUE!

  • Michael Castleman says:

    It’s certainly possible that a man turned off by an obese wife is a “pig.” It’s also possible that he’s a loving husband distressed by his wife’s relentless weight gain, which threatens her health and longevity—and by extension, the marriage. Most women I know want to get involved with men who are taller than they are, and find themselves turned off by men who are shorter, even if they’re they’re great guys. Does that make these women shallow “pigs”? No, people have every right to feel what they feel about the looks of those with whom they are—or hope to become—intimate, including their height and weight.

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