man with diabetes worried about no erection

My wife and girlfriend complain that I go flaccid as soon as I ejaculate, almost instantly. My girlfriend says her husband remains hard for at least 1 or 2 minutes after ejaculation which makes her come twice ….sometime thrice. I am 40 and no significant health problems. Still I don’t have great sex life. I don’t feel like going for sex every after few days. It’s often once or twice a month. Then I come  first and go soft instantly!! I’ve also been doing kegels. Do you think that will help in the long run?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    It’s totally normal for a 40-year-old man to go flaccid shortly after ejaculation. Some men your age may be able to remain hard for a little while, especially highly sexed guys or men who feel very excited about being newly in love. But that’s not you. Nonetheless, you’re normal. Most men your age wilt quickly after ejaculation.

    Your libido is also normal. You may want sex less than your wife and girlfriend, but many men want sex only once or twice a month. While you’re normal, it’s also possible that the desire difference in your relationships may be causing problems. If so, I urge you to read “You’re insatiable!” You never want to!” How to Resolve Desire Differences.

    Kegel exercises should help you enjoy more intense orgasms, but I doubt they’ll do much, if anything to help you remain hard after ejaculation.

    You don’t say WHY your wife and girlfriend have complained about this, but you imply that your wilting leaves them unsatisfied, that you (and they) expect your erection in their vaginas to bring them to orgasm. Now, some women can have orgasms during intercourse and apparently your girlfriend is among them. However, many studies show that only about 25% of women are reliably orgasmic from vaginal intercourse. Three-quarters of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris, the little nub of pleasure that sits outside the vagina and above it underneath the top junction of the vaginal lips. I’m guessing that your wife is one of the 75% of women not orgasmic during intercourse. She’s perfectly normal.

    Here’s what I suggest: When you make love, provide gentle loving touch and/or oral to the woman’s clitoris, stimulation that’s extended enough to allow her to become fully aroused and have an orgasm. Feel free to have your orgasm before or after hers. But whenever you have yours, give her the gift of gentle clitoral stimulation so she can have hers. If she’s having orgasms every time, it doesn’t matter that you go flaccid shortly after yours. Most women’s orgasms have nothing to do with men’s erections, and everything to do with clitoral stimulation.

    For more how few women have orgasms during intercourse, read Orgasms During Intercourse – Improving Women’s Chances. And for more on helping women have orgasms independent of intercourse, read Caressing Women: Tips for Men.

  • jillian says:

    It is not physical. It is mental. It is mental training and maturity. Don’t focus so much on your own satisfaction physically, train yourself mentally to think about something else that arouses you but not on the idea of ” okay, I’m done. No need for the pistol to be loaded any longer. Try it. I know of many men that have taught themselves to be more cerebral and less physical. It ACTUALLY makes them feel better that they can hold an erection and satisfy their partner, possibly more than once.

  • jillian says:

    Possibly the subconscious guilt from having a wife AND a girlfriend is the cause?

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