Young depressed couple in bed

Hello, I recently read your article, His Porn, Her Pain, after discovering some pictures on my significant other’s cellular device. However, he does more than just view pornography. He has edited some of the pictures and added himself to make it look like he is right there in the action. I think that takes it to a new level of bad. Am I wrong here? I suppose I wouldn’t feel so unnerved if he didn’t have a plethora of memberships to secret online encounters or secret hookup sites. Or if he wasn’t getting emails from random females wanting to meet up. Or if he didn’t lock up his cellphone as if it was Fort Knox. Honestly, I probably would not have had the impulse to search through his phone if he didn’t guard it so closely. I know I was wrong invading his private, personal space but I do feel almost
justified in doing so because every time I have I’ve found something that doesn’t sit well with me or goes against what my relationship expectations. Anyways, I apologize if I started to ramble, but hopefully you can provide some input regarding the whole picture editing thing. Thank you for your time!

Responses

  • Michael Castleman says:

    Aside from his porn photo editing and visits to hookup sites, how is your relationship? If it’s on life support, this might be sufficient reason to pull the plug. But if things are basically okay, if you enjoy each other’s company, and sense of humor, and don’t feel like you want to end things, then the question becomes: Is he just window shopping at the hookup sites? Or actually stepping out on you?

    If he’s stepping out, that might be more than you can stand. But if not, if he’s just playing around inserting himself into porn photos and looking at hookup sites, you’re free to feel hurt, disappointed, even devastated if you like, but it’s possible he’s simply doing a bit more than what most men do——self-soothing by masturbating to porn.

    Imagine for a moment that he snooped in your phone and found that you’d been to sites selling evening gowns for tens of thousands of dollars. Now suppose you photoshopped yourself into those gowns. He might think: My God! That gown costs $25,000. She’s going to bankrupt me! Can this relationship be saved? Actually, you were just having a little harmless fun.

    Now you might say there’s a big difference between inserting yourself into a ball gown and into a hot sex scene. Maybe. But there are similarities. You’re both trying on a fantasy. I believe in freedom of fantasy. In our daydreams, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong … even if it’s out of the ordinary.

    You’re free to feel traumatized if you want——and if you tell your story on any number of porn panic sites, you’re sure to get replies telling you that you’re a tragic victim of his “sex addiction,” that he’s perverted and needs therapy, and that you should dump him ASAP. But as long as he’s not actually stepping out on you, as long as his fantasies are confined to the realm of daydreams, what’s the real harm? You might say you really feel wounded, that that’s real harm. Like I said, you’re free to feel that way if you wish. But relationship longevity often depends on lowering expectations of the other person.

    Assuming he’s not cheating on you and that your relationship is otherwise okay, you have three choices: accept his kink, insist on therapy to deal with it, or leave him. What do you want to do?

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