Hi Michael: I suffer great anxiety over my man’s porn watching. I was happy to find your article explaining that men self-sooth by using porn, and that they still love and desire their woman. But at the very end you switched it to men using porn to turn them on for partnered sex, which to me is completely different. Please explain why that man who was turned on by porn isn’t imagining the woman who turned him on in the first place? Why isn’t he disappointed when he turns away from the fantasy and sees his true to life woman? I get older everyday and there’s an endless supply of young woman for him to fantasize about, how can I understand this?
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Yes, many men use porn to self-soothe and still love the women they’re involved with. And yes, many men use porn to pique arousal before sex with the women they love.
Porn is fantasy. In fantasy all is permitted and nothing is wrong. Many men fantasize about winning the Lotto. It doesn’t mean they hate their lives. Many women fantasize about male movie stars, or the men in novels. It doesn’t mean they’re no longer interested in the men they’re involved with.
Sexual arousal is a complex psychological phenomenon. For courting couples, it’s often directed at the new love. But in longterm relationships, it’s more diffuse. Married men who view porn don’t want THOSE women. They simply want to begin the arousal process so they can perform with the women they love. Porn is like window shopping. You see a cute pair of shoes in a store window and think: How nice. It doesn’t mean you’re sick of all the shoes in your closet.
I’m confident your husband is NOT disappointed when he climbs into bed for sex with you. Any more than you’re disappointed that he’s not a movie star.
OK, you’re anxious about getting older. Every day your husband is getting older, too. Are you falling out of love with him because he’s aging? Probably not. I’m guessing that he’s not falling out of love with you, either.
Porn is fantasy. It doesn’t mean anything in the real world. It’s just daydreams. In the real world, I’m confident your husband loves you, cherishes you, and wants to make love with you.
I wish you both sizzling sex for life!