I’m 32, my husband 38, and we’ve been together for 5 years. Ever since the beginning, I felt like we have had issues in our sex life. I think the main issue is that he has a much lower libido than I do, so for him it doesn’t seem to be an issue if we go 3 weeks without sex. For me, it is. I have tried so many things: lingerie, oral, walking around naked… when I do walk around naked, I get the same reaction as if I were wearing 30 layers! He has had everything tested, hormones etc., and what has come back is weight. He is overweight, I won’t lie. I know it’s a factor for the physical side, but it almost seems as though he just doesn’t think about sex at all. I do notice that he has pictures of women saved on his phone – often tattooed or “goth” women. And when we do go to have sex, the ONLY thing that works for his arousal is if I hand job him from flaccid to ready – 15mins on average – and the sex has never lasted more than 5mins our entire relationship. Now, he wants to start a family which we know won’t be easy for us, and he still won’t/can’t make the effort. I’m just looking for suggestions on what we can try. Thanks for reading 🙂


  • Michael Castleman says:

    You guys have a major desire difference. You’re far from alone. Desire differences are one of the leading reasons couples consult sex therapists.

    I urge you to read my low-cost article, Overcoming Desire Differences. It presents a self-help version of the program sex therapists have developed to address situations like yours (and zillions of other couples).

    But you say that he’s had much lower libido from day one, ever since you got together. So the article may not resolve things for you. If not, then I’d urge you both to have a short course of sex therapy for individualized coaching. I’m confident it would help.

    Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, clients DON’T have sex with therapists and therapists DON’T watch clients having sex. For more, read my low-cost article or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    Chronic desire differences drive people crazy, but I’m confident that you guys can negotiate a sexual frequency you can both live with comfortably. Good luck!

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