Young man ignoring woman in bed

My husband thinks sex is too much work. We have been together for nine years and married for three. We love each other deeply and never argue. Just happy times. The only “problem” is his reluctance around sex. He never initiates it. We’ve talked about it and he says he’s not that into sex, that he finds it to be too much “work”. During sex he always has an erection and he keeps it until I come (15-20 minutes) but he says that it takes a lot of work to keep the erection without ejaculating. He says he finds me extremely attractive (I believe him) and that this attraction makes it even harder for him to keep control over his body. I would really like him to enjoy the whole sex act and not feel as if he needs to be ‘in control’ over his body and mind. What can I do to make him enjoy sex more? Any suggestions?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    It sounds to me like you have two issues: your husband’s concern about ejaculatory control, and a chronic desire difference. The good news is that both can usually be resolved without much difficulty.

    Your husband’s concerned about ejaculatory control makes sex feel like too much work. So he struggles with premature ejaculation (PE, coming too quickly) and as a result retreats from sex—with this issue, ironically, made all the more difficult by the attraction he feels for you.

    My suggestion: my low-cost, self-help e-booklet, The Cure for Premature Ejaculation. PE is men’s most common sex problem throughout the lifespan. In every male age group from the teen years to 80+, one-quarter to one-third of men feel they don’t have adequate ejaculatory control. So he’s far from alone. Meanwhile, over the past 60 years, sex therapists have developed a program that teaches around 90% of men to last as long as they wish. My e-booklet distills that program into a self-help program that couples can implement at home. It usually shows benefit in one to three months. I’m guessing that once he feels confident of his ejaculatory control, he should be able to relax during sex, enjoy it more, and have it feel less like “work.”

    You also mention that he doesn’t initiate lovemaking. This suggests that you two have an ongoing desire difference. In long-term couples, desire differences are almost inevitable. They’re one of the top reasons couples consult sex therapists. As a result, sex therapists have developed a program that helps couples find a mutually acceptable frequency. I’ve distilled the sex therapy program in a low-cost, self-help article, How Sex Therapists Recommend Overcoming Desire Differences. I suggest you read it and work through the negotiation process.

    All my materials carry a money-back guarantee, so no risk to you.

    If you’d like any more sex information, I suggest you scan the table of contents of my low-cost e-book, which contains 134 articles on all aspects of sexuality.

    And if my materials don’t provide sufficient relief, then I’d suggest sex therapy. Sex therapists enjoy excellent track records helping couples with PE and desire differences. Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, clients DON’T have sex with therapists and therapists DON’T watch clients having sex. For more, read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, and/or see the film, “Hope Springs” with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

    Good luck!

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