Close-up of a young couple kissing each other

My daughter is 17 and plans to lose her virginity soon with her boyfriend, a young man her father and I both like. They’re being very responsible about this. I encouraged her to get her first pelvic exam, which revealed a problem. Her gynecologist (who I also see) told her she has a thicker than normal hymen and that her first time will be painful. Now she’s anxious about having sex. I thought hymens could be removed, but the gynecologist suggested she use a dildo or vibrator to stretch it. Is that her only option? I don’t want her first sexual experience to be painful and neither does she!


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I’m sorry your daughter is upset, especially because it’s unnecessary.

    First, a word about hymen physiology. It’s a flap of skin that partly covers a female baby’s vaginal opening. In the vast majority of girls, the hymen wears away naturally over a few years because of daily activities. But in some women, little pieces of hymen, tags, may remain through adolescence, and in the small percentage of women who have unusually thick hymens, the entire membrane may remain intact and cause pain on first intercourse. In rare cases, intercourse is not even possible.

    A simple, safe surgical procedure, hymenectomy, can remove an extra-thick hymen. I’m surprised your gynecologist didn’t mention it. I know women who have had this operation. They emerged happy and able to enjoy pain-free intercourse. I suggest you ask friends for referrals to other gynecologists.

    Stretching is another option. It involves using progressively larger dildos to expand the hymenal opening. If your daughter tries this, she should use lots of lubricant on both her hymen and on everything that enters her vagina. She should start small, with a finger, then progress to a small dildo, and finally larger ones.

    No matter which way your daughter handles this issue, when she and her boyfriend embark on partner sex, it should be well lubricated, slow, and sensual, with at least 30 minutes of kissing, hugging, and whole-body massage before he touches her genitals. I suggest they read four articles in my book Sizzling Sex for Life (though they are sure to find the other articles interesting as well) –
    Lubricants: The Slippery Secret Of Great Sex
    Caressing Women: Advanced Erotic Tips For Men Forget “Foreplay”
    No One “Gives” Anyone an Orgasm.

    When they have intercourse, I suggest the woman-on-top position. He should lie on his back and remain still. She straddles his hips and slowly sits down on his erection. That way she controls the speed and depth of insertion, which should minimize any anxiety and discomfort.

    One final note: In some cultures, newly married husbands are expected to produce a bloody sheet the morning after the wedding to prove (1) that the marriage was consummated, and (2) that the bride was a virgin whose hymen was “broken.” In fact, first intercourse only occasionally causes vaginal bleeding. In those cultures, brides often sharpen their fingernails, or take pins or little knives to bed with them to produce the “proof” both families want.

Leave a Response

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.