Close-up of a young man feeding a strawberry to a girl

I’ve been with my girlfriend for three and a half years. I’m still very young so we’re both of each other’s firsts. We’ve been having sex now for about 2 years and I have only helped her orgasm once. I’ve read articles online everywhere and read online forums for advice all the time, I’ve read some books about the female orgasm and I still have little hope. I do feel like I can maybe make her squirt during sex because she always tells me she feels like she has to pee but that’s what makes her want to stop. I’ve read online that women often feel that way when they are about to squirt so that’s why I am confident as far as that goes. Yes, I have tried to convince her to just “let it out” but she isn’t willing to do so and I can’t think of anything to do otherwise. Also, I feel like a very important factor is that when she does orgasm, it’s one dimensional, she’s been doing it the same way since she started, riding a pillow and watching porn. I have bought her 2 vibrators that she doesn’t care to use, literally and has never even tried to use one of them. I have recently bought her a dildo that she suggested, and she incorporated that into her one dimensional orgasm and told me that it felt different but her method of achieving orgasm was the same. I have never blamed her for not being able to cum because I do feel as though my technique plays a major role, regardless if she knew other ways to make herself cum. I don’t know any so I take the blame for that but our relationship is very special and she can make me achieve orgasm through oral, hand jobs and obviously sex. She didn’t enjoy oral at first, because she said it made her really uncomfortable, but later admitted that it was her being self-conscious and not being used to direct stimulation with her vagina. She enjoys it more now and lets me know that I have gotten better at it but she still rarely asks me for it. I just want to please her and learn her body to consistently make her cum because I feel selfish when she makes me cum and she doesn’t. She doesn’t think its that big of a deal, yet. However, I want to diminish the problem before it emerges. I have considered a sex counselor but I cannot afford one right now so here I am. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, she wants to take things slow but we have been taking things slow for 2 years now.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    You sound like a very patient, caring lover. I tip my hat to you. You also say you’re both pretty young, and despite your years together, still rather inexperienced sexually. So here are some things to think about:

    How your girlfriend has her orgasms is up to her, not you. If she likes to ride a pillow while watching porn, that’s her right. And that’s not a “one-dimensional” orgasm. It’s HER way and it’s fine, if that’s what she enjoys. I hear you’re frustrated that she doesn’t care for vibrators, but she has every right to enjoy the kind of genital touch she likes, and if she doesn’t like vibes, that’s OK.

    I hope you both understand that only a small proportion of women have orgasms during intercourse no matter how large the man’s erection or how long intercourse lasts. Penis-vagina sex brings around 95% of men to orgasm, but women’s orgasm trigger is NOT the vagina, but the clitoris, the little nub of highly sensitive tissue outside the vagina, an inch or two above it, under the top junction of the vaginal lips. I’m confident that’s what she’s rubbing when she rides her pillow. That’s also where most women focus while playing with vibrators. And that’s what men should focus on when giving head (unless the woman requests otherwise).

    You say she’s not a big fan of receptive oral sex (cunnilingus, pussy eating). Again, she has every right to feel that way, and you should respect her wishes. But for many women receptive oral is the main move that allows them to work up to orgasm. Please reassure her there’s nothing to feel self-conscious about, that if she’s showered before sex, her vulva is clean, fresh-smelling, good-tasting and able to provide her tremendous pleasure when it’s gently licked. If she’s open to ora., yo don’t have to wait for her to request it. You can simply say, “I’d love to eat you, OK?”

    You talk about “squirting.” Do you mean that her vulva and vagina get wet during sex? Or that she releases fluid on orgasm? The former happens to most (but not all) women as they become sexually aroused. The latter happens to some women (but not most), and is no real indication of their sexual responsiveness. Many many women become highly aroused, have fabulous orgasms, and don’t squirt at all.

    You say you’ve read about all this. I applaud your industriousness. In my book, Sizzling Sex for Life, you’ll find many more articles of interest.

    I wish you and your gf sizzling sex!

  • JeremyZ says:

    I also applaud your efforts to help your girlfriend enjoy sex. It sounds like you simply might be trying too had to get her to enjoy the things you (want to) do to her to get her off. If she’s pleased with your sexual response and orgasms, that’s great—pleasing one’s partner is part of what makes people happy in a sexual relationship. But if she gets off a certain way, then that’s great too—don’t worry that you’re not giving her an orgasm from oral sex or that she’s not squirting enough. Does she sit on the pillow and orgasm to porn with you present? That would be great if she does, because it means she trusts you enough to do that in front of you. But I understand what you’re saying about feeling frustrated, or perhaps afraid that you’re not doing enough, when she doesn’t prefer your attempts to do certain sexual things to her or use the vibrators you bought for her (I’ve had a similar experience and it made me wonder just what she DID want sexually from me–it was kind of unsettling at first). But I understand that mutual masturbation (doing it to yourselves or to each other) is actually a common sexual activity among couples. And the more experienced I’ve become, the more I’m okay with that, because it takes pressure off. Each partner can think the things and touch themselves the way they want, but it’s still intimate and sexual because you’re doing it with each other or in the presence of each other. It’s perfectly allright. There’s a certain loss of having your partner enjoy what you do TO them, and vice-versa, which can make you feel a little unneeded. And there’s the absence of physically touching each other during self-masturbation which might make you feel a little disconnected. Does the pillow pornography depict anything special that you two aren’t doing together? It sounds like she’s sexually open enough to share a lot with you. Maybe you can offer to act out what she’s watching in pornography; or maybe she just likes watching others “do it” to get turned on, and that’s fine too. You don’t have to do anything. You could also show her some of your favorite pornography which might depict things that are voyeuristic or impractical for you two to actually do together; OR to give her ideas about what you CAN do together. But it sounds like you two are sexually versatile and active together, and communicate well, so I wouldn’t worry about her not wanting to do exactly the same sexual touching etc. that you want (or that you think she should want from you). Don’t worry about it. Just relax and enjoy. It’s okay to have separate sexual styles that you can still share and show each other. Be yourselves! Sexual styles can evolve too, so enjoy the fact that you both like pornography and you might find new things that you both want to try. Try watching porn together depicting a man giving oral or a woman squirting or using vibrators. She might even enjoy hearing your erotic fantasies about you doing these things—that’s one way of her enjoying what you desire to do to a woman, too.

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