I am a 44 year old male who is fairly sexually experienced. I have had many partners, both in short term relationships and two marriages (8 and 9 years), so while I am no expert I feel I am somewhat knowledgeable, have a fair degree of common sense and am very self aware and open to feedback / criticism. I have been with my partner for two years now and part of the issue stems from her being extremely deceptive and dishonest during the first 4-6 months of our relationship. While this is not the topic at hand, it does affect trust, which does, I believe.
The issue is I am concerned she is being dishonest when it comes to whether or not she is actually having orgasm with me. Now, I know you cannot definitively say one way or the other (you would probably be on an island you owned if you could) but I am looking for your clinical opinion based on my details. My partner says, without a doubt and emphatically she does. My questioning comes from multiple areas:
1. She does not have ANY pelvic contractions, ever, when she has a claimed orgasm from me. This is from manual stimulation, oral stimulation or penetration. They cannot be visibly seen or felt, even with my fingers inside or her.
2. Her orgasms come fast, sometimes within 1-3 minutes and she can sometimes orgasm 6-8 times within a session.
3. Sometimes there is little to no vaginal lubrication present, even after several orgasms.
4. We experimented with a vibrator for a short period of time (she had one when we met, we no longer have any) and when she had an orgasm with that there were clear and visible contractions present.
Now, I understand every woman is different, and every orgasm even in the same woman is different but I find it hard to fathom that she would NEVER experience contractions with me, EVER, even once, but with a toy they are there like clockwork. I also understand that they may be MORE intense with a vibrator, but again, to not have contractions even once in two years? Taking all of this into consideration…no contractions, no secretions even during / post orgasm, quickness and quantity or said orgasm…taking into consideration her lying and deception early on, am I way off base to be concerned? I have gotten the typical, shrug it off answers from doctors, therapists and the like, usually consisting of…does she say she does? Then whats the problem?….
I know that in reading many pieces, that some women don’t experience intense contractions and they may be light or even difficult to detect. When I look at all of the fact though I’m left wondering if she is being honest. Any light you can shed or expertise would be and is greatly appreciated. I cannot express my gratitude for your time.
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Women’s orgasms can be idiosyncratic, but the hallmark in both genders is pelvic muscle contractions that should be discernible if your finger is in her vagina, or anus or your mouth is on her vulva. Now I can’t say for sure if she’s coming with you or not. I’m not saying that she’s deceiving you, just that if she’s having orgasms, they’re unusual.
The real issue here, I’m inferring, is not her orgasms, but her dishonesty with you in general.
My suggestion: Consult a sex therapist. Sex therapists are psychotherapists/couple counselors with special training in sexual issues. You could see a relationship/marriage counselor, but because your presenting issue is this orgasm controversy, it might be more appropriate to consult a sex therapist. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.
Good luck working this out.
I was wondering the same thing about my wife. She orgasms many, many times each time we have sex, and often within a minute or two. She comes to orgasm with breast stimulation or sometimes when I stroke her back lightly, especially when she is sucking me. When she mounts me, with her on top, she tells me she is coming, as I enter her.
But I’ve never noticed any muscle contractions, unless she’s practicing her kegels and I have my tongue or penis or finger in her.
She is open and honest about her sexuality and she has no reason to lie to me about it.
We use the vibrator regularly, so I’ll ask her to hold it on her clit while I have a finger or two in her vagina, to see if I feel contractions when she says she is coming, and then I’ll report back here.
Regardless, she makes me feel like I am satisfying her more than she’s ever been satisfied.
One thing I’ve learned from reading the literature recently is that the nature of women’s orgasms seems to be far more variable than men’s.
I checked twice now and she does have muscle contractions when she is coming, with a vibrator on her clit. It’s not that easy to feel them, because she is moving around and the vibrator is pressing on her and pushing my finger, but I did feel a few contractions.
They are not as strong or as easy to feel as they are when she does her “squeezes” or kegel muscle exercises. But then she’s not moving around and pressing the vibrator around.
Your Point 3 about no vaginal lubrication being present — my wife stopped lubricating on her own enough for intercourse about 10 years ago and we use lube every time. Your wife may be past the point where she gets wet on her own, with or without orgasms.
Michael has it right– share your concerns with a counselor, together– or if she won’t go, go by yourself. My wife and I went to counseling, and it helped, because the counselors had us look at how we were interacting with each other, and ourselves, in different ways than we were. Those sessions gave us insights that brought us closer to each other.