I’ve always been bisexual. I had both straight and lesbian relationships in college. Then I met my husband and stopped having sex with women. The marriage lasted 17 years. After my divorce, I dated both men and women, then a couple years ago fell madly in love with a woman. We’ve been living together for four years. It’s a great relationship, but the sex is no better than what I had with my husband. I always thought that when it’s two people of the same gender, they should know what the other wants and feels, and sex should be better than it is with someone of the other sex. But that’s not my experience. Is something wrong with my lesbian relationship?
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The phrase, “battle of the sexes,” implies a yawning chasm between men and women that includes their sexual sensibilities. The corollary implication is that because lesbian/gay couples are the same gender, they should have less of a “battle.”
There hasn’t been much research on this, but two studies have compared the sexual satisfaction of homosexual couples vs. heterosexual. The studies turned up a few slight differences in straight vs. gay/lesbian couples, for example, gay male couples have sex more often than straight and lesbian couples. But overall, heterosexual and homosexual couples are much more sexually similar than different. Both groups share the same sexual issues. Both express the same challenges communicating. Both have very similar sexual repertoires. And both express very similar sexual satisfaction. You say your experience in a straight couple is very similar to your experience in your current lesbian relationship. According to these studies, that’s normal.
I think on the surface, it makes sense that two women or two men could please each other better/more. After all, they have the same parts, right? Except everyone is different. Some women like a heavy touch, others a soft, feathery tongue. Some want lots of vaginal penetration while others are turned off at the very thought. I think assuming two women should know what the other likes just because they both have vulvas, is a little like assuming any two random humans will agree on pizza toppings just because they both have mouths.
Good sex is all about communication. Talk to your partner. Tell her what you like. If you don’t feel comfortable verbalizing your wants/needs, you can guide her. And make sure she knows when she pleasures you. I think most people genuinely want to pleasure their partners.