My husband and I, 35 and 29, have been happily married for thee years, but have always struggled with intimacy. From the start, my husband has always been pretty happy just cuddling in bed with occasional sex here and there, like about once every month or two. I on the other hand, prefer to have sex more often about once weekly. We have been able to compromise with the frequency of sex, but one issue has remained. He does not seem very “in tune” to me while we’re being intimate. For example, while I give him oral sex, most times he lays there and doesn’t put a single finger on my body. I look up at him from time to time and he looks like he’s in another world. He doesn’t touch or grab me or finger me to let me know he’s enjoying it or wanting me. In fact, I’d guess he were asleep if it weren’t for his erection. Again, during intercourse, he does not touch my body much. I would love for him to get aggressive with me, squeeze me, throw me around, or just simply caress me but I really get nothing. He also always wants me to be on top and he just lays there. I don’t feel the desire on his end. I assume he enjoys it because he does always orgasm by the end. I’ve only orgasmed with him three times in the last three years. I don’t even mind not having orgasms with him as I know this is difficult but I would love more passion and desire on his end. I’ve talked to him about this multiple times over the years and nothing really changes. I tell him that I feel he’s not that into it and that I don’t feel desired. He just doesn’t seem to get it. What to do?
Your compromise on sexual frequency is a good sign. It shows that he is able to listen and hear you and accommodate. But you still may be interested in my article on overcoming desire differences. I’m sorry he hasn’t been able to listen, hear, and accommodate your need to be caressed and desired and stimulated to orgasm.
You say you’ve discussed this many times … so I can offer only one suggestion—-sex therapy. Sex therapists enjoy an excellent track record helping couples pay real attention to each others’ needs. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, you don’t have sex with or in front of the therapist. It’s talk therapy with “homework.” And studies show that in two-thirds of cases, couples report real benefit. For more on sex therapy, read my article, or see the Meryl Streep-Tommy Lee Jones movie, “Hope Springs.” (Come to think of it, their couple situation is fairly similar to what your describe.) To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. If he’s not willing to go with you, I’d urge you to go yourself. That would be sub-optimal, but you’d still be able to vent your resentments and get some suggestions that might help. Good luck!