Recently, my husband and I have rekindled our sex life after not having sex for several years because of his alcohol addiction. He’s been sober now for about 9 months, so wonderful! (I was going to separate). However, I have caught him looking at porn several times even though he knows I am feeling very sexual, in fact, more than I ever have in my life and I even told him it was crazy but I was always horny and into having sex/making love most of the time, more than he is. Note: he is experiencing penile dysfunction and recently quit smoking to heal that. I am enjoy oral sex and casual hand jobs if he’s busy. I should add that I am very attractive with a trim, firm body and a very pretty face. I get comments all the time from people about my physical appearance and people are always shocked at my age. I told him I want to do whatever will turn him on and we discussed wearing short skirts and tight see-through tops so we could have fun when I bend over and look sexy for him walking around the house. So we shopped together for these things and I certainly felt very sexy in them. Soon after to my horror, I again found that he had been on a porn site looking at upskirts with no panties even when I was doing that very thing. He lied at first as he usually does. Finally he admitted it. He always says it’s nothing like the real thing with me and also that he’s not used to my being sexual, something he’s getting used to. After so many years without sex you’d think he’d be all over me! By the way, after several times finding him looking at porn he says he realizes now the extent of how it affects me which is very serious. I told him I can’t approve of his looking at porn for so many reasons and he is saying he has hardly any interest anymore and says it is easier to quit porn then it was to quit alcohol and just as easy as it was to quit cigarettes and that it’s gotten boring. Of course there’s a trust issue, that’s hard for me to believe. He’s really a kind, good man and I do know he loves me very much. However, the problem now is that I can’t seem to get myself to wear the sexy outfits for him knowing that he was and might still be looking at other women in the same way. I want to have sex with him but I am turned off because of this problem. I feel silly and humiliated like I am competing. How can I be uninhibited and sexual with him again and should I never wear those short skirts again? Would I be degrading myself to wear them? Am I second best?
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It’s great that your husband is now sober. And even greater that you have rekindled your sexual relationship, and enjoy playing together with you in sexy outfits. It sounds like you’re having fun. I hope so.
I’ m also very sorry you feel so distressed by his porn viewing. I have some thoughts. I don’t know if you’ll like what I have to say, but I hope you consider my perspective with an open mind.
Men who have partners watch porn for two reasons—to enhance the pleasure of masturbation, and to convince themselves they can still get aroused. Based on the limited amount of information you’ve shared, I’m guessing your husband watches mostly for the second reason, to make sure he can still become sexually aroused. His viewing is not about disrespecting you. It’s about helping him feel sufficiently sexually confident to enjoy sex with you.
Many women believe that masturbation is fine for single guys, but that when men marry, their wives should meet all their sexual needs. That’s naive. Masturbation and partner lovemaking both involve the genitals, but they’re as different as shopping for groceries and shopping for clothes, which both involve spending money. During self-sexing, you have only yourself to please. Partner sex, while potentially fabulous, is much more complex. You have to learn what pleases your partner and communicate what pleases you. Sometimes, almost all men (and most women) just want a little time-out from daily hassles, so they self-pleasure. There’s nothing wrong with this at any age or any level of partner commitment. In fact, the best research shows that most married people masturbate MORE than most singles. Most singles don’t have regular sex and many don’t think about it much. But most married folks have regular sex. It’s more of a front-burner item. They think about it regularly, and when they can’t have partner sex, or sometimes even if they can, they feel that itch and self-sex. Your husband was masturbating before he met you. Why give up apple pie once you’ve tased blueberry? Everyone has the right to masturbate, including your husband. And you.
When men masturbate, many watch porn to enhance the experience. Some women object to this saying that fantasies of “those women” are unacceptable, that their husbands should fantasize only about THEM. Actually, the best research shows that the vast majority of people have erotic fantasies, and that the #1 fantasy is doing it with someone other than one’s regular partner. Fantasies are not reality. In fantasy, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong. People can fantasize anything they wish—as long as they control their ACTIONS. In my humble opinion, it’s fine for men to fantasize anything while self-sexing as long as they remain faithful to their wives in the real world. Do you ever watch R-rated movies featuring hunky guys? Do you ever get a bit turned on by those movies? I bet you do. Should your husband feel threatened by your enjoyment? No. Daydreams are universal—and harmless.
You say your husband has erection issues. You also imply that you’re both no longer young. So I’m guessing that he’s middle aged and that years of smoking and drinking have taken a toll on his erection function. Passing years also have another effect on men. They find it increasingly difficult to get sexually aroused. This shocks most men. In their youth, they felt perpetually horny, and now they can’t seem to work up to feeling turned on, and when they do, their erections don’t cooperate. This can feel very disconcerting. So these men masturbate to convince themselves that (1) they can still become aroused, and (2) that they can still get at least somewhat firm.
I’m guessing that’s why your husband has been self-sexing lately. I bet he’s thrilled to be sexual with you again. I bet he finds you as alluring as ever, if not more so. I bet he’s dying to please you, but he’s very anxious about his ability to get turned on and his ability to get hard. So he self-sexes, and uses porn to enhance it.
If you insist that he stops the porn, there’s a small chance he might. But there’s a much greater chance he’ll just go deeper underground, do it in secret, and lie to you. Is that what you want?
My advice: Lighten up about his porn viewing. Ask him to keep it private so it’s not in your face, but don’t hassle him about it. He means no disrespect to you. I bet he’s just trying to reassure himself that he can get aroused so he can please YOU.
You might consider discussing my reply with him to see how he feels about it.
I wish you great sex.
Thank you for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. I had heard everything you said from different sources but the attitudes varied from person to person and between men and women. I have already made this a serious issue so if my husband continues watching porn I’m sure he’ll lie but he won’t feel good about it. I shared with him that I experience serious physical symptoms when I find out he’s viewing porn, my heart races and my symptoms are like a panic attack. Surely I have issues myself and I’m trying to work on these. I discovered that I am no longer getting his internet searches on my iPad so I suspect he’s up to something already which is disturbing me. He uses private mode and the time I recently discovered his porn history he had forgotten to make a private search so that’s how I know he’s most likely doing it regularly. I don’t want him to lie because that’s been our main issue. But I can’t get myself to tell him to simply be discreet. I have no problem with fantasizing but I hate that he looks at porn. I told him I am happy to please him without having a full love making session. I’ve also told him not to worry about keeping up with my sexual desire and that I totally understand that he may not always have a strong desire. No pressure to please me every time, etc. Anyway, I really wish he could tell me exactly why he goes to porn but I imagine he’s afraid that anything he says might upset me. I’ve gone on here… I don’t know what else you can say. It’s tough, we let our minds rule us and we forget that we are simply detached awareness of everything that comes and goes without preferences or judgement. I need to relax into this knowing of myself. Not always easy. Much appreciation and deep peace to you.