woman blindfolded and tied to bed frame

I’m a 54-year-old man. I was never interested in anything kinky beyond reading The Story of O in college. But over the last few years, my erections have gone from fair to poor, and now intercourse is pretty much impossible. Meanwhile, all of a sudden, I want my wife to dress up in corsets and spike heels and I want to spank her. She likes lingerie and is happy to wear corsets, but she’s not into being spanked. She says I’m upset with my erection loss and want to vent my anger by spanking her. No! I know she has nothing to do with my ED. I don’t want to spank her hard, just enough to hear the smack and turn her butt a little pink. But I can’t explain why I’m suddenly interested in spanking her. Do I subconsciously want to punish her for my ED? She says I need a shrink. What do you say? BTW: I’ve tried the drugs and they haven’t done much for me.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I have no window into your subconscious, so I have no idea if your recent interest in spanking has anything to do with wanting to take out your erection frustrations on your wife. It’s possible, and I can imagine some psychotherapists agreeing with your wife.

    But there’s another way to view your situation. You say you’re not just interested in spanking her, but also in dressing her up in fetish fashions. So it looks to me as though your interest in kinkier sex goes beyond punishment…not to mention that if subconscious frustrations are driving you, spanking is pretty light-weight. You could flog, paddle, or whip her, or want even more intense S&M. So let’s give you the benefit of the doubt. Let’s say that you don’t want to punish her for your situation, but simply want to explore S&M. Why would that interest bubble up now?

    The short answer is: I don’t know. Different people become interested in sexual variations at different times in life, often for no obvious reason. You might want to explore this with a therapist. But many people develop an interest in S&M and other sexual variations after 40. Middle age is a period of sexual change. Men’s erections become iffy and eventually disappear. Women experience menopausal changes, among them vaginal dryness. As a result, vaginal intercourse becomes problematic or impossible, even with drugs and lubricant. As intercourse drops out of the picture, some people become more interested in other ways to play, among them corsets, spanking, and other manifestation of BDSM.

    If your wife objects to being spanked, I urge you to honor her wishes and not do that. No one should ever feel pressured to be sexual in ways they don’t enjoy. But it’s also possible that your interest in spanking is not a subconscious attempt to punish her for your ED. It’s possible that with intercourse no longer possible for you, perhaps you’re just interested in exploring other ways to play.

    If you’re interested in learning more about the kinkier side of sex, read BDSM: A Loving Introduction To Bondage And Discipline (B/D) and Sadomasochism (S/M).

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