I’m 20 and my boyfriend is 24. He’s a good lover, but sometimes he’s too rough. My problem is that I can’t bring myself to tell him when he’s playing rough and hurting me. What can I do?
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Alas, you’re not alone. Many women share your complaint. The reason is that most men get their sex education from pornography, and in porn the men are often rough with the women–and the women look like they enjoy it. Of course, porn is fantasy. Not even the actors like to have sex that way. I’ve interviewed several porn actors, both men and women, and when they go home and have personal sex, they don’t play rough, they’re gentle and sensual.
I also sympathize with your discomfort telling your boyfriend that he’s playing too rough. Many men have fragile egos or simply don’t believe that they’re playing too rough based on what they’ve seen in porn.
Here’s an approach that works well and easily. Whenever your boyfriend does something you like, say, “yes” or some variant of it: “Ohhhh, yes.” “I love it.” Something that’s clearly positive reinforcement. When he’s too rough, say nothing. Most lovers are very sensitive to their partner’s expressions of pleasure, and are happy to provide more of whatever elicits positive feedback. If you say “yes” consistently over a half-dozen sex sessions or so, you should notice that he’s doing more of what you like and less of what you don’t. Keep giving him positive feedback, and after sex, tell him again: “I really loved it when you touched me gently.” As his touch becomes more gentle, you may get to the point where you can say something like: “I really prefer gentle touch. The rougher stuff just doesn’t turn me on.”
Good luck.