My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Our sex is great but she’s very reserved. I’ve always had a fantasy about sharing her with another guy. The other morning she woke me up and said she dreamt about me making her fuck another guy. I reached down and she was soaked. Told her it was normal to want that and she should feel what it’s like. Also told her a dream I had that was similar. She got very excited. Is she into this? What now ? I can’t stop thinking about it!
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You’re right. It’s perfectly normal to fantasize having sex with one or more people other than one’s spouse. In fact, according to Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lemiller, a book about the largest study ever of Americans’ sexual fantasies, visions of threesomes, moresomes, and partner swapping and sharing rank among American’s top erotic fantasies. So you dream is not only normal, but very common.
You’re also right to wonder what now? Some husbands might immediately say: Well, let’s go to a sex club tonight and make this real! But since you asked, I would caution against rushing things. You have a 15-year marriage to safeguard. You and your wife may well decide to make this fantasy come true, but my first suggestion is to take it slow and discuss how you’d both like to proceed—several times—before moving to make your fantasy real.
Here are my suggestions:
• Read Lemiller’s book. It’s a quick read—and fascinating, especially for those in your situation. You’re correct telling your wife that fantasies of non-monogamy are very common. But that doesn’t mean she really truly believes it, especially coming from her husband who’s into sharing her. The book can provide the same message from a disinterested expert, and may help persuade her that what you say is really true.
• If you decide to make this dream reality, before you act on it, I urge you to read “Hall Passes, Threesomes, Swinging, Sex Clubs, and Polyamory:
The Curious Couple’s Guide to Consensual Non-Monogamy,” which is one of the 52 chapters in my recent book Sizzling Sex for Life. It discusses all the options for consensual non-monogamy, and provides suggestions for how best to make it real, while still preserving—and hopefully enhancing—your relationship. I recommend developing ground rules, so you both know exactly what each of you is willing to do with others. For example, do you want her to play with another guy with you participating? Or not? With you watching? Or not? Just one other guy? Or more?
• Once you have discussed your ground rules in detail, and have agreeded on a plan, then you might decide to play with sharing. If so, you might set her up with a friend. Or advertise for a guy. Or pick up a guy at a bar. Or visit a sex or swing club. It’s up to you. But the simplest, easiest way to proceed would be a club. Swing clubs are usually for couples only. Sex clubs cater to couples and single men. Clubs have clear rules, so visitors feel safe and comfortable. No photos are allowed. And “no” always means no. My chapter can help you find a club near you.
• Finally, I reiterate: Talk about this at length before jumping in. Fantasies can feel so vivid and compelling that people just want to go for it. But when fantasies become reality, almost inevitably wrinkles develop that are best ironed out before anyone undresses.
I wish you sizzling sex for life.