I’m a 46-year-old man. I want to introduce additional sex partners into my marriage. I’d like to watch another man fuck my wife, and I’d like her to watch me with another woman. I’d also like us to swing with other couples. Is this normal? My wife say it isn’t. What do you say?
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I say that in a sexual context, “normal” is a confusing term. It can mean “widely practiced,” or “safe,” or “healthy.”
Swinging is not widely practiced among American couples. From the surveys I’ve seen, maybe 5 percent express some interest, 1 to 2 percent try it, and a smaller minority make it a regular part of their marital sex lives. So swinging is not “normal,” in the sense of being widely practiced.
On the other hand, it can be safe and healthy and not threaten the marriage if both spouses truly mutually consent to threesomes or swinging, and if they choose their additional partners carefully. Seasoned swingers insist that it’s a boon to their marriages. Of course, many couples try a threesome or swinging once or twice and then decide it’s not for them.
In my view, there is nothing abnormal about having fantasies of threesomes or swinging. In fact, one of the most common sexual fantasies involves doing it with partners other than your regular lover. The issue here is turning your fantasy into reality. You want to. You say your wife doesn’t. If she’s adamantly opposed, I urge you to respect her wishes. No one should ever feel pressured or coerced into doing anything sexual against their will. In that case, you can always continue fantasizing.
But if your wife is not unalterably opposed, then I suggest that you engage in detailed discussions over a period of months concerning the ground rules you and she require to make the experience enjoyable and safe for both of you. Ground rules are a necessity. Even when both spouses want to have a threesome or swing, it’s emotionally and logistically complicated to introduce a “third wheel” into what’s been a “bicycle.” I urge you proceed cautiously. Marriage is a fragile institution, open marriage even more so.
To develop your ground rules, I urge you both to create two lists: “Ground Rules I Insist On,” and “Ground Rules I Would Like But Don’t Insist On.” Jot down your lists in private without consulting each other, and give yourselves a few weeks to complete your lists so you have time to really consider what you want and need. Then compare your lists, and see if you can come up with a scenario that’s jointly acceptable.
For swinging to proceed happily, you should reach a clear consensus on the ground rules you insist on. If you can’t, then I suggest postponing things until you do. If after a few months of discussion, you still can’t come to an agreement about the ground rules you insist on, then swinging probably isn’t worth it because it would stress your marriage. Or you might do something like visit a swing club but only have sex with each other. Like I said, marriage is complicated and introducing other partners makes it more so.
You might also read the article, “You Want to Try WHAT?!” How to Approach Sexual Experimentation.