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I’m a 42-year-old woman, and I’ve always had difficulty having orgasms. I can come, but only with a vibrator, and they are weak orgasms nothing earth shaking. I’d like to experience some truly mind-blowing orgasms. I feel like I’m missing out. Any suggestions? Thanks.


  • Michael Castleman says:

    I can’t guarantee you “mind-blowing” orgasms, but I’m confident that you can become happier with the ones you have. My suggestions:

    Orgasm requires deep relaxation. Stress, anxiety, and tension preclude deep relaxation and interfere with orgasm. It sounds like you’ve been anxious about your situation for quite a while. It’s possible that you’ve developed a conditioned reflex: You’re convinced that you have trouble with orgasm, so you tense up when using your vibrator, and as a result, you have trouble coming, and when you finally do, your orgasms are weaker than you’d like. I suggest that you invest some time, like an hour, in relaxing before sex: Take a hot bath. Pamper yourself. And try to mentally let go of the conviction that you’re going to have trouble with orgasm. This isn’t easy. But instead of thinking: Oh God, another struggle to come. Try thinking: I’m relaxed. I’m going to enjoy myself and my body. And when I’m ready, I’ll come.

    You say you can only come using a vibrator, but you didn’t mention which vibrator you use. Perhaps you might benefit from a more powerful one. Or a different shape, or style, or material. I suggest that you experiment with some different vibes. Try a couple of new ones, any model that appeals to you.

    Do you use a lubricant with your vibrator? Lubricants intensify erotic sensations. I suggest applying lube to your vulva and clitoris before you reach for your vibrator. Lube the vibrator, too.

    How much alcohol do you drink? Alcohol is a powerful central nervous system depressant, and the world’s leading cause of drug-related sex problems, including difficulties with orgasm. If you drink, especially before using your vibe,I suggest you experiment with stopping for a while.

    Are you taking any prescription medication? Many drugs, notably, antidepressants, can cause sex problems, including difficulty with orgasm. If you are taking a drug that can cause sex problems, your doctor might be able to switch you to a medication with fewer sexual side effects. (Among antidepressants, Wellbutrin causes the fewest.)

    If you continue to feel dissatisfied, I urge you to consult a sex therapist. Sex therapists enjoy an excellent track record helping women become more orgasmic. For more on sex therapy, read An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.

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