I am 25 and my husband is 30. When I ask him for sex, 60 percent of the time, he refuses. Why?
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I am 25 and my husband is 30. When I ask him for sex, 60 percent of the time, he refuses. Why?
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© 2009 - 2024 Michael Castleman
The short answer is: I don’t know. There are a million reasons people might decline sexual invitations.
Here’s the longer answer: The myth is that men are sexually insatiable and ready to jump into bed at the drop of a zipper. That’s true for some men, but by no means all. Today, desire differences like what you describe are a leading reason why couples consult sex therapists. In two-thirds of these cases, it’s the man who wants sex more often. But in one-third, the woman has the stronger libido and it’s the man who says no thanks. So you’re by no means alone. Many women share your predicament.
Why does your husband refuse you? Maybe he’s just not as into sex as you are. Or perhaps he’s under great stress, or nervous about his sexual skills, or worried about pregnancy, or for some reason turned off to you. I assume you’ve grilled him about this. Of course, when the question is: Why won’t you have sex with me? it’s hard to get a straight answer. Most lower-libido spouses fall back on vague replies, “I’m not in the mood,” or “I just don’t want to.”
What can you do? The good news for you is that he says “yes” 40 percent of the time. Instead of asking “why won’t you?” try this: After sex, you might ask, “Why did you say yes this time?” Gently probe the conditions that turn him on. You may gain new insights, and if so, you can work to recreate those conditions.
In addition, sex therapists have developed a fairly simple program that helps couples in situations like yours. I suggest you read: “You’re Insatiable! You never want to! How Sex Therapists Recommend Resolving Desire Differences.”