I am a 51-year-old woman who has been married for 11 years. I’ve had no sex for 8 years. My husband won’t have sex and won’t discuss it, he just says it’s not important. He does have some ED issues but nothing that the little pill won’t help. Of course, he won’t take Viagra. It’s a sad place to be and I don’t know what to do. I ask, beg, cry, and get nothing. What do you suggest for me?
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Yes, a sad situation, and frustrating and infuriating. I feel for you. You can’t “make” your husband want to have sex. On the other hand, sex is part of a functional marriage, and you have every right to expect some lovemaking in yours.
From your brief question, it’s not clear why your husband feels as he does. But I’m guessing one reason might be erection changes. Somewhere between age 40 and 50 or so, the fast-rising, firm erections of men’s youth become the balky, slow-to-rise, less firm erections of mature adulthood. Many men find this change unnerving and some feel so disconcerted that they believe mistakenly that sex is over for them. It isn’t, it just changes a little. Men can enjoy satisfying sex at age, even if they have balky erections or no erections. Men don’t need erections to have orgasms. If you think your husband’s erection changes are contributing to his withdrawal from sex, I suggest you buy a couple of articles and encourage him to read them: Erection Myths—the The Truth About Erections, Weak Erections or ED? and Great Sex Without Intercourse.
Meanwhile, when people say “sex,” they typically mean genital sexuality: genital massage, intercourse, and oral sex. But non-genital caresses often feel just as important, especially for many women. If your husband won’t have genital sex, perhaps he might be willing to snuggle, cuddle, and give you non-genital loving touch/massage. Of course, if what you want is genital sex, non-genital caresses might feel like a poor substitute, but massage feels good, and it might help you cope with no genital sex.
Speaking of things that might help, nothing prevents you from having solo sex. Many people believe that masturbation is unnecessary or wrong once they’re in a couple. It isn’t. Masturbation is our original sexuality, and coupling up doesn’t change the need to spend quality time with yourself. Do you own a vibrator? If not, now might be a good time to buy one. And if you have questions about vibrators, read the articles, Vibrators: Myths Vs. Truth and The BEST Vibrator for You.
Finally, I suggest that you consult a sex therapist. Ideally the two of you would go together, but I’m guessing that your husband might refuse to accompany you. In that case, I urge you to go by yourself. You have two problems: no sex, and resentments about what you’re missing. A sex therapist can definitely help you deal with your resentments. And when you explain your situation in detail, a sex therapist might also be able to provide information that might persuade your husband to try sex again or join you in sex therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. Good luck!
You have to take your husband to doctor who is master in sex problems.
My husband hasn’t wanted sex in about 30 years! This may sound unusual but I have to admit he was honest with his answer. He said that he thought sex was meaning less, unfulfilling, and just not worth all the effort. Further more he said he just didn’t want sex with me or anyone else, also forget about kids that would not happen with him. Well as you can imagine I was stunned and once it all sunk in I was furious and let him know my feelings. He didn’t care about my feelings or any of my emotions. I was told I could leave if I wanted, but I didn’t I guess I was scared and very dumb. To this day he says the door is always open. Over time my feeling, urges went away . Its been 43 years of marriage and maybe I had sex a dozen times. This is what I’ve had to put up with all these years, and my only advice is get a divorice don’t wait like I’m still doing. We rarely communicate with each other he lives in the lower level where he eats and sleeps.