We have been married for 8 years. I have given him oral sex just once in all that time. I loved doing this for him but he told me he didn’t like it. He said he was not clean. He has never given me oral, not once. Two weeks ago, I found out he has been sleeping with someone else. This woman texted me to say she had been sleeping with him and that their sex was great, so I would think they have been doing oral sex. What do you think I should do?


  • Michael Castleman says:

    You raise two issues—your husband’s rejection of oral sex, and his infidelity.

    About oral sex: No one should ever feel pressured into being sexual in ways that make them feel uncomfortable or worse, so if he doesn’t want to play orally, that’s his right and it should be respected. In most surveys that have asked couples what they did the last time they were sexual, only about 25% say they gave each other oral.

    On the other hand, if you want/like/love giving and receiving oral pleasure, you’re free to say so. Many people’s refusals are on the soft side and they may actually be willing to play that way if their conditions are met. It sounds like personal hygiene is a big issue for your husband. In that case, you might suggest showering (separately or together) before sex so both of your genitals are super-clean.

    If he still isn’t into oral, then I’d suggest mock-oral. To do him, you’d position your head near his groin and give him well lubricated, two-hand penile massage. That approaches the sensations of fellatio. You might also sneak in a few little licks.

    You could ask him to provide mock-oral for you, too—his head down there, and his hands providing well-lubed massage of your clitoris and vaginal lips. For more on all aspects of oral play, you might read my article on it.

    About his sex with this other woman: Her calling the sex “great” doesn’t necessarily imply that they’re sharing oral. I suggest you ask him (or her). If they are sharing oral, that would contradict his stated objections, and might provide an opening for you to give and receive the pleasure you desire—if your marriage survives the stress of his infidelity. I hope you can work things out. If not, and you want to stay together, then I’d suggest marital counseling … or, since your feelings about his stepping out focus on their possible oral sex, you might consider sex therapy. For more on sex therapy, read my article.

    Good luck resolving your issues!

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