I am a counsellor in England and seem to encounter a frequent problem in my counseling room. Since you have so much experience answering sex questions, I thought I would ask in case you know the answer. This could save me hours of research.
Men in long-term marriages/relationships seem to be willing to accept all types of touch, including oral sex performed on them. But few are willing to kiss, cuddle, or touch their partners in they ways they want to be touched. They are often especially reluctant to provide oral sex. Their partners come to me very sad. They love their partners but resent their men’s their lack of intimate connection.
These women are becoming increasingly paranoid about their physical appearance losing confidence, and judging themselves as if they are doing something wrong.
I wonder: Has there been a shift in men’s behaviour? Or am I just seeing more women who complain of dissatisfaction in the bedroom, especially no oral.
Why don’t men understand what women need? How do I help these women help their husbands to understand?
You have zeroed in on the main reason why there’s such a large gender gap in orgasms. Men come during around 95% of partner sex experiences, but for women, the figure is much lower, depending on the study, only 30 to 60 percent or so.
Why don’t women come? They often don’t get enough kissing, hugging, and caressing all over to become aroused, and if they get aroused, they often don’t get enough oral to bring them to orgasm. Men think sex equals intercourse and that everything else is just “foreplay,” that is, a waste. Actually, as you know, kissing, hugging, whole-body caressing, and cunnilingus are absolutely necessary for most women to enjoy lovemaking to the fullest.
You ask how women’s perspective can be marketed to men. As I explain in my recent book, Sizzling Sex for Life, one approach that’s often productive is to tell men that if they make love the way most women prefer, they’ll have fewer sex problems—firmer, more reliable erections, bombproof ejaculatory control, and the ability to come when they want to. Not to mention that their gals will rate them better lovers. Doing it women’s way is a win-win. Women get the leisurely, playful kissing, hugging, whole-body caressing, and cunnilingus they want. And men have fewer sex problems and much happier wives who are more likely to say “yes.”
One might wish that these clueless men would change their ways because they love their partners and want to please them. Unfortunately, as you know only too well, that appeal may not work. Which is why I suggest appealing to men’s own sexual self-interest. Do it like she wants and YOU will have better sex and be a much better lover.
For more on this, I suggest you check out my book, Sizzling Sex. I can’t send hardbacks to England. It’s prohibitively expensive. But I can send you a PDF cheap that will arrive almost immediately via email.
I wish you and all your frustrated clients sizzling sex for life.