I’m having sex problems with my fiancee and our sex life. I have tried to talk to her about trying new things in the bedroom but she always wants the same positions every time and makes no attempt to help spice things up. We have been together for five years and she has always told me she is not comfortable with her body. I do everything possible to assure her that she has nothing to worry about with me, that I love her just the way she is. But there is one thing she said she would never do— give oral. And she just recently told me that she does not like foreplay and would rather get straight to intercourse, but I can’t do that because I suffer from P.E., so foreplay for me is the best sex I can give her for longer than three minutes and I don’t think that she understands that completely. So my real question is: How do i convince her to give me a little foreplay and try new positions? Any help or advice would be greatly blessed.
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You have several issues:
• Your PE.
• Your unfulfilled desire for erotic novelty, especially more foreplay and receiving oral sex.
• Her body discomfort issues.
• Her unwillingness to experiment with erotic novelty, especially more foreplay and providing oral.
You can’t “make” her enjoy extended foreplay, or provide oral, or do anything sexually that she doesn’t want to do. And after five years together, if she hasn’t tried what you want by now, it seems unlikely that she’s ever going to if all you do is keep asking, begging, pleading, and carping.
The good news is that you CAN cure your PE and learn to last as long as you’d like. My low-cost e-booklet, The Cure for Premature Ejaculation, can show you how. It’s one chapter in my big, low-cost E-book that contains 119 other articles, several of which touch on your issues. If you’re inclined, you can purchase The Cure for PE separately, or for only a little more, get all 120 articles.
But, given the number of issues you face, and her longstanding body issues, and probably some resentments that have built up over the years you’ve struggled with all this, my self-help resources may not be sufficient. So, I urge you to contact a sex therapist. Sex therapy usually takes four to six months of weekly one-hour sessions. It costs $150-200/hour, though many therapists discount fees for those who can’t afford standard rates. That’s an investment, but if you’re sexually miserable with the woman you’ve selected as your life partner, a few thousand dollars is a small price to pay to get these issues resolved. It’s up to you. If you’re unfamiliar with sex therapy, clients DON’T have sex with therapists and therapists DON’T watch clients having sex. For more, you can read my low-cost article, An Intimate Look at Sex Therapy, which is included in my E-book.
What if she won’t go? Then I suggest that the two of you view the film, “Hope Springs.” It deals with an older couple in a sexless marriage. The wife, Meryl Streep, wants to return to lovemaking but the husband, Tommy Lee Jones, is very reluctant. Eventually they see a sex therapist, Steve Carrell, and despite some awkwardness, there’s a happy, lovingly sexual ending. This movie provides a realistic portrayal of sex therapy. It might persuade her to go.
What if she still won’t go? Then I suggest you go solo. That’s suboptimal, of course, but a sex therapist can probably equip you with emotional tools and coping strategies to deal with your fiancee.
To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. And good luck!